I recently read about a “study” that was conducted by bestblackdatingsites.org that seemed to get the attention of quite a few readers. In this “study” (and I keep using this term loosely for obvious reasons), it was determined that there are only three qualified black men for every 100 black women. The study uses the following criteria to determine if a black man is worthy of having a mate:
1) He is heterosexual
2) Is interested in black women
3) Has a high school diploma
4) Earns over $30,000 per year
5) Is not obese
6) Does not have kids with another woman
According to the “study,” it was determined that there are only three black men who fit this list for every 100 black women in America.
Clearly, I found the list to be offensive for personal reasons. I had a daughter when I was 18, so I guess I too am one of those worthless men who isn’t worthy of being loved by anyone other than my mama. But with my personal issues being put to the side, I am even more intrigued by this list and this website’s poor attempt at marketing by using a set of very weak facts to support their assertions.
First, we should all be concerned when anyone goes looking for love with a list in hand. Searching for love is not like shopping for groceries. Those who have lists are almost always determined to fail, and to some extent, their commitment to a list of strenuous standards is their way of avoiding the very thing that they claim to be seeking. Some people seem to enjoy the idea of going from one situation to another searching for something that simply does not exist.
I can also say that for many black men with whom I speak (yes, good ones), the idea of a woman looking at them with a list reminds them of slave auctions where the master would look at the slave’s teeth and bone structure to decide if he would be good to work in the field. Your partner was not put on this earth to serve you; he was put on this earth to love you, but only if you prove yourself capable of accepting true love. No one wants to be evaluated and objectified like a commodity or a piece of meat. Perpetual focus on the superficial makes the relationship almost professional in nature and undermines your ability to truly connect to the core.
Second, my father (whom I consider a good man; he was married to my mother for 35 years) and I looked at each other curiously when we thought about how many women keep lists with criteria that they themselves can’t meet. Most of us know the woman with two kids and no job who feels that she has to have a baller on her arm.
Personally, I think it’s ok to have a few double standards in the dating market. But to somehow see this “study” as evidence that black men are not stepping up to the plate is to ignore the fact that there are just as many overweight black women as there are black men. For every black man with a baby’s mama, there’s a black woman with a baby’s daddy. Putting this information into proper context reminds us that almost none of us has a perfect track record when it comes to the choices we’ve made, and to turn a critical eye to someone you are trying to convince to become a lifelong partner only reduces the likelihood that they are going to want you in their life at all.
Imagine if men were to say, “There are no good black women to have sex with,” and then produced a list describing the woman that they’d like to sleep with:
1) She must be drop dead gorgeous
2) She can’t weigh more than 130 pounds
3) She has to have outstanding skills in the bedroom
4) She has to give her man sex whenever he requests it, no questions asked
5) She must offer regular sex without requiring too much time, money, attention or affection
If a man spent his entire life looking for a woman to match his list before choosing someone to have sex with, he’d be waiting his entire life (or have to date a prostitute). We all know women are interested in sex, but many have an easy time turning it down from the wrong person. If a man walks up with a list of demands before the conversation even begins, he would find himself the loser before the start of the game.
Instead, it might make sense for him to prioritize just a little bit. He might also need to do some self-analysis to determine if he’s capable of attracting the kind of mate that he’s demanding. If there are no takers, then he might have to wonder why no women are willing to have sex with him. In fact, he might realize that rather than walking into the situation barking his demands, he might actually want to find out what women are looking for in men with whom they spend their “quality time.”
The point is that quite a few people keep dating lists of things they are looking for, but spend no time thinking about what they can offer and whether the thing they offer are actually valuable to the other party. Yea, I know you have a good job. I know you have your MBA. Yes, yes, yes, you have perfect credit and stay in great shape. But what kind of person are you? Are you going to stand by your partner through good and bad times? Are you a person who seeks to give or someone who simply complains about what you’re not receiving? What kind of human being are you?
After shaking our heads in curiosity about this list, my father and I next noticed what was NOT on the list: internal attributes such as character and integrity….the things that actually make a man into a decent human being. Most of us know quite a few men with plenty of money and good looks who aren’t worth a damn in a relationship.
A man with money might marry you, but a man with integrity will stay with you through the tough times. I hate saying this, but most men I know don’t spend each night dreaming about the day that they are going to locked into a lifelong relationship. Ultimately, it is a man’s values and character that lead him to make the right choices when it comes to his marriage and family, and almost nothing else. It saddens me that some see men as tools or resources to fulfill selfish needs, rather than partners with whom meaningful bonds can be established.
My advice? Put down the list, work on yourself, be a good human being and peer inside a person’s heart and not their bank account. Then maybe you’ll find that there are far more good black men than you think.
Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Professor at Syracuse University and founder of the Your Black World Coalition. To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.
Good one, Doc!
Amen brotha! Preach!
VERY WELL PUT!!!Thank you
Ultimately, it is a man’s values and character that lead him to make the right choices when it comes to his marriage and family, and almost nothing else. I agree. The same holds true of a woman. Therefore, if men or women upheld the morals and values that are outlined in the bible for a couple or family we all would be much better off and happier for that matter.
They would love, honor and respect one another. Love ,honor and respect is seriously lacking in most relationships. Integrity and character are also in short supply. Getting over on ones partner seems to be the main objective these days. There are too many PIMPS out there.
Great response sir!
They have thrown a fight and a challege at men, no problem, we’ll fight courageously and defend our given title ( men ).
let me share the African experience here:
In Africa, Nigeria to be precise, men live a shorter lifespan–average of 65-70 years, while women live 80-90 years, making men slaves to the women; one of the reasons being that men keep looking for the WOMAN with all the attributes he would want; some marry as many as four wives, which makes it a polygamy and many troubles and early death. In eastern Nigeria, for instance, men get married so late ( from thirty-forty something years), this, is to enable the man, be a MAN ( meaning that he must be able to cater for all of his wife’s needs, exercise his full authority on her and keep her under control ). The exercise is mostly fruitless because the man would still, look for another woman for the other attributes to make up for what the woman lacks, so is the same with the woman.
As a result of African women being quarantined, they become very robost, round figured and overweight, making them lousy and in active; yet, in all of these facts, we, the African men still cherish , love and take care of our women; only one thing: We all hide our deficiencies and pretend to the end.
This culture that we are under is pitting black women against black men.
Sadly, you missed the point. If character and integrity were added to the mix, instead of 3 qualified Black men out of 100, the numbers would be reduced to 0 men out of 100. It is sad to see that your “Y” chromosome only allows you to use “sex” as an example but I am not surprised. Unfortunately,most Black men just are not ready to commit, be honest, reliable, and supportive and I don’t have time to wait for them to get it together. As for your list, it isn’t too far from what a Black man expects. We as Black women are NEVER, EVER enough for a Black man. Light skin isn’t enough so they seek White women and dog them. Good sex isn’t enough so the lust demon overpowers and they have multiple partners. Marriage isn’t enough so they cheat and creep around. A loving home isn’t enough so they move in with someone else. A partner/wife who earns a great salary isn’t enough so they have not learned to be supportive and stay behind her. The list goes on and on. I can not wait for the Black man to get it right and I tell any Black woman out there start looking outside of our race and culture for happiness and peace of mind. And yes there are good Black men but not enough. End of story.
Sadly, you missed the point. If character and integrity were added to the mix, instead of 3 qualified Black men out of 100, the numbers would be reduced to 0 men out of 100. It is sad to see that your “Y” chromosome only allows you to use “sex” as an example but I am not surprised. Unfortunately,most Black men just are not ready to commit, be honest, reliable, and supportive and I don’t have time to wait for them to get it together. As for your list, it isn’t too far from what a Black man expects. We as Black women are NEVER, EVER enough for a Black man. Light skin isn’t enough so they seek White women and dog them. Good sex isn’t enough so the lust demon overpowers and they have multiple partners. Marriage isn’t enough so they cheat and creep around. A loving home isn’t enough so they move in with someone else. A partner/wife who earns a great salary isn’t enough so they have not learned to be supportive and stay behind her. The list goes on and on. I can not wait for the Black man to get it right and I tell any Black woman out there start looking outside of our race and culture for happiness and peace of mind. And yes there are good Black men but not enough. End of story.
This is just white supremacist propaganda. I could break it down further, but its just part of the agenda to have black women seek and have sexual intercourse with white people.
I love this!!!!!!
This is possibly the dumbest article that I have ever seen in my life. If those are the only characteristics that it takes to be considered a good man than this is a sad world. So what are the requirements to be considered a good black woman? If they are the same or close I guess there are not many good black women either!!!
Life today is and must be built on realistic concerns. Sex is damn near last when it comes to the basic necessities of life. I am an educated woman, and my primary concerns are that the love of my life be financially secure, educated, compassionate, loves his mother, and is as much of an alpha man as possilbe, because I am an A woman. The defense that many men take is that it is okay for them not to have the basic necessities of life and then some, it is enough to just love a woman of value. A woman that is supportative and financially secure, Black woman such as myself require more than being a bed wench – as in slavery. We desire the best. We can handle a good black man and respect him, but he must be able to treat us like a queen when he is treated like a King.
Amen, Amen,Amen Thank You
Amen! Enough said!
What difference does it make. We live in a society where the measure of the human existence is based upon superficiality, not the person. Most black men are doubtful as to long term commitment with black women because of attitude and for me personally, the probability of catching AIDS. Where the black woman chooses to discriminate against the Black Man, the other races surely don’t have this problem. This is why I see so many of my brothers with women of other races and most Black Women alone. Black woman, learn to love yourself first and stop the self hating by adopting the beauty standards set by White Women. Kill the weave and freedom of your mind will follow.
Dr Watson is dead-on, I personally have 5 out of 6 of those attributes on that list. The only problem I have is that I am obese for my height, which is a problem even for short obese women. There real hypocrisy among some women who have a list for potential mate, but don’t meet any of the items on that list. And when women get with the list, they are disappointed that he does not have the most important characteristic is love for her and wiliness to sacrifice for her and his family. For the 7 men who are excluded from women list I bet you 5 out of 7 are want to comment, and are honest, and reliable and supportive, they, like me, are waiting for a grown woman to give all those things too. By the way, sex is not all that important to me but loyalty and love is.
Do you have a list? Sound like you do, and fit into the type of woman Dr Boyce is talking about.
Not only is the DUMBEST article I’ve seen in my life, but I hate seeing this annoying propaganda. I wish everything was BLACK & WHITE. Yes, I totally agree as a BLACK MAN. I don’t know, maybe this is based on his family or something or maybe the 10 people that showed up to his study. I’m not sure. But yes, it’s fallible.
This is absurd! Life is not black & white like this.
This is true! All good bl ack women know it. You men who have a problem with this, need to OPEN YOUR EYES. You are probably one of the men on the list and had to come face to face with the truth. After all Black Men are use to having their ego and penis stroked. It keeps them in the fantasy world and not reality. The BIGGEST problem is the Black Mans CHARACTER, as the sister stated below. Black Men simply do not offer enough and they are a liability.
MEN STOP THINKING WITH YOUR ARROGANT EGO and LISTEN to what BLACK WOMEN ARE SAYING WE WANT. YOU do not qualify yourselves for US! We do the qualifying and we are tired of overlooking what we want for the sake of the black male ego.
You and I know this is true, its just hard for the black man to hear and accept. They are the most emotional men on the planet. The ones upset are the ones who meet the criteria on the list.
As for the “list” people have, I totally disagree with his assessment of ” Those who have lists are almost always determined to fail, and to some extent, their commitment to a list of strenuous standards is their way of avoiding the very thing that they claim to be seeking.” because we all have standards to which we seek a mate. I have always used my standards list and have met many men with a lot of what I wanted who were good men but not right for me. The man I have now has all the attributes I listed and I have his. Granted there are some things I don’t like and vice versa but those are not deal-breakers and I can live with them and vice versa.
If men use a list close to the one in this article it is no wonder theirs always “fail”. They are looking for superficial perfection and sexual satisfaction ruling out all character content before they say hello. At the top of my list is intelligence and the ability to articulate oneself when speaking. I don’t care how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, how big your house is or how expensive your shoes are…to me, those are all YOUR things, NOT MINE so why should I bother with nonsense? Can you hold a decent intelligent conversation on any subject? Are you confident without being arrogant and cocky? Are you chivalrous? These are character qualities that to me are deal-breakers. I could care less what your penis size is and really will never find out if we don’t get to know each other first.
I absolutely LOVE black men. There is no other species on earth like them. No other race of men has the quality of a black man; they’re stronger, more masculine, more verile, sexier and gorgeous than all others. The problem is they don’t believe it and we (women) don’t preach it enough. We’d rather tear it down and berate them because society tells us to…the black man does the same, so it keeps us divided to where we are now statistics on the HOW RARE it is for us to find someone of our own race…….I say BULLSHIT!!!
The truth of the matter is there continues to be a society that seems more than determined to drive a wedge between the Black man and Black woman. Whether it be one in which beauty is seen as that which is closest to European look, or one in which thrives on being dumb enough to think the new new soap operas of today aka reality shows such as Kardashians, Basketball wives or Real Housewives drives the thought process of Black women.
Truth is that every one may have deal breakers, but sweating the small stuff and not looking at the big picture will yield what will be discovered when a one reaches 40s, 50s, 60s: you will be by yourself. People need to examine self first. A friend told me that a women he had been talking to on the phone for a while and been out with a few times, said to him after dinner and they were parting ways ” bye, I love you”. this bothered him that she said it before the time frame in his mind that it would be ok to say it. I asked him if he has been developing his wonderful self in these past 40 plus years, shouldn’t so done else recognize ow wonderful he is in less time than it took him to develop? You see, we have to realize that God sends us balance, but some of us look for what compliments everything we have or would like to have- some ignore the fact that they are not the full package themselves. I see men and women crossing over into each other lanes even those who claim to be relationship experts. It would be better suited that a loving couple present to the same sex what their part should be in relationships and that way the only thing is expected is that each person coming together is presenting the best of self and not spending a life time developing and idea of what the other person should be. Many people say they want certain things in people, but they let small things prevent them from the overall picture.
My quality for me and him starts with two main things: love God with all heart mind and soul and neighbor as self. All else can be worked around. In doing these, you are going to take care of your body, you are going to seek to be the head and not the tale in what you do, you are going to stay focused on self improvement and being grounded in love. These qualifying list are attempts at further driving the Black man and woman away from each other. Somethings we need not even comment on, but unless we who have sense do not start intervening with the younger generation before this mess hits them, we are never going to over come.
Not all black women have attitudes, and who are the black women “catching” AIDS from if most are not dating outside their race? As if black women don’t have enough to worry about. Now we’re being stigmatized by *some* (I refuse to believe this is the mindset of the majority) black men as AIDS carrying, attitude, self-hating women….What happened to solidarity?
Speaking as a man of color our queens should realize they are just that a black beautiful queen and regardless of what the article proclaims, their are than just 3 good men to every black woman. Nonetheless, it’s not hard to us if you are really looking.
There is a nice little word for anybody who pretends that there are only three good black men for every 100 black women. It begins with an “N” and ends with a “G”. And it is six letters long.
Google Tracy McMillan and her article in the Huffington Post. She said the number one reason a black woman is not married is because she is a “B I _ _ H”. That’s right, a black female has finally indicted black women everywhere.
And make no mistake. This issue of lonely single black women that won’t seem to go away, won’t go away. That is because it is a mental health issue.
It has nothing to do with education, income, or lifestyle. We know that because there are thousands of highly educated six figure income black males across the country who are stuck in bad marriages and headed for divorce.
I could add at least ten other items to this list, and at the top of my list would be that he is willing to be a responsible, committed partner. Most black men are afraid of even discussing the topic of committment. Somehow, they have been convinced that marriage is some type of disease and that it is cool to be a single, “available” black man. (notice I didn’t say virtuous. Virtue is totally beyond their realm of understanding). We really have some serious problems, black people.
On has to wonder where the thought of a list came from in the first place, however, given that it does exist what thought processes and experiences are used to put such a list together to make it worth considering. Are we saying that we can make a better choice than what the Heavenly Father wants for us, thus, we do choose what qualities we “know” is the “right’ for us..
I unsubscribed from Your Black World a while back, and so have other Black women. Now I will have to unsubscribe from Black Women Today which sent me a link to this mess. Thanks, Boyce, for letting everyone know Black men are sex crazed bucks with no other standards for the woman/women in his bed. No wonder we have high STD and out-of-wedlock baby rates.
Sorry, but I agree with the list. I don’t want a guy with a kid. I don’t want a guy who is unemployed. I don’t want a guy who is obese. I’m sure a man wouldn’t find these things attractive in a woman either.
The study does have some truth that the number of eligible Black men is limited, especially those who are employed in a goal directed career. While I believe character and integrity ranks high, one must admit a person’s mindset to life is reflected in their career choice and income. Too many men rely on the fact that women should accept them with any career and income not realizing their lack of ambition and goals affects what we are able to accomplish. Marriage is a requires love and finances.
Lastly the men who do have a great career are so few far and between that our culture puts them on a pedestal and worships them. Unfortunately, Black women help them to achieve their rank but do not share in the rewards for that rank as we are not good enough, supportive enough etc. But more importantly if we do not worship them, then some other race will. The Bible states, “He who finds a good wife finds a good thing,” meaning men should cherish women and women should respond loving to the man who does that.
The real truth of the matter the entire black culture hates itself and the many problems we encounter is due to this hatred.
So right Jaleelshkr!!!
You know some of you women kill me. First of all women say they want one thing but in the back of their mind they always have an alterior motive. I find that most black women are so mentally enslaved about looking, being, and acting like a white woman that when a good man presents himself she judges him before he even opens his mouth.What happened to the natural good looks of a sister without all these weaves and make-up and stuff. Yeah there are dogs out there, and that’s with BOTH genders, but there are more men out there who are willing to committ than most women think. Men are turned off by women who play games. You say you want an honest, hardworking man but most can’t really handle the honesty and if we don’t make a certain amount then all the hardwork doesn’t count for much. Women, most of you need to understand that there is and always be a conspiracy to destroy the black race. They have slain our positive leaders of the past, locked up many of our innocent brothers in this present, and now they tell you there are no good black men out there and you believe it. The war still goes on and if you don’t believe there are good black men out there you will never find one. If you don’t find one you’ll never have children. If you have no children, you are contributing to the extermination of the black race.
Everyone has SOME kind of list, whether or not they are aware of it. Lists are not bad, but most of us, at least when we are younger, just want to “fall in love” and have everything be romantic. The problem is that we often are attracted to people who recreate the (dis)functionality of the “family” we were raised in.
I think it is a good idea to have a list, but developing the list should be a very honest process, I find it interesting that the “list for black women” given above does not include “respects women” (does not physically or mentally abuse them and is not controlling), and if he DOES have children, what kind of a relationship does he have with them (pays child support willingly, frequently interacts with them, does not talk bad about their mother to them, builds their self esteem and they know they are loved.) Having a list is not a bad idea, but what is on the list shows who YOU are. If it is vain and shallow…
Everyone has SOME kind of list, whether or not they are aware of it. Lists are not bad, but most of us, at least when we are younger, just want to “fall in love” and have everything be romantic. The problem is that we often are attracted to people who recreate the (dis)functionality of the “family” we were raised in.
I think it is a good idea to have a list, but developing the list should be a very honest process, I find it interesting that the “list for black women” given above does not include “respects women” (does not physically or mentally abuse them and is not controlling), and if he DOES have children, what kind of a relationship does he have with them (pays child support willingly, frequently interacts with them, does not talk bad about their mother to them, builds their self esteem and they know they are loved.) Having a list is not a bad idea, but what is on the list shows who YOU are. If it is vain and shallow…
And one of the things I would hope to be on most lists is “not a drug addict or alcoholic”. It seems to me that is more important than “not obese”
And one of the things I would hope to be on most lists is “not a drug addict or alcoholic”. It seems to me that is more important than “not obese”
First of all I love all black women!!!! But it’s as if, black women are slow. The world known’s for a fact that black women just ask for far to much. Tall,Dark,Handsome,Rich,Educated,14 inch penis,has an expensive car,House,Pay your rent,his rent,your mother’s rent,love the kid’s of another man. Deal with not receiving good sex.Put up with your nasty mood’s and the list goes on and on and on and on.
White women don’t take your men away. Hell you set them up to be taken!!!! 70% of you are single for a damn good reason.
I know I know I know!!!! Maybe you will just start dating white men, right? Wrong!!!! because in order to date a white man. First you would have to out do the white woman.
Are you….
1. Loving
2.Sweet
3.Kind
4. A thoughtful lover
5. No kid’s
6.Stand all on your own, you pay your own damn bill’s and how about I hold on to my money.
7. Real hair
8.Can you light up a room. With just your warm and loving smile.
Bottom line black women. Life is passing you by…..the clock is ticking and your going to be old and all alone. Black men care for and love you, but it’s you the black woman. Who has no love for your so called brother’s. So the next time you see a brother with a hot and sexy white woman. Don’t get mad, hell remember it was you!!!!! who set her up with the brother in the first place.
to the writer grow up.
Either with or without a list, this study can be proven worthless.
Just because a certain man is no good for you doesn’t mean he’s no good.
Stop trying to create a model of a particlar man and deen that model great.
People, and that includes men, are as different from each other as the finger print.
Don’t like your choices? Upgrade you and your surroundings.
Are u serious? I know so many black women who have put up with nonsense from brothers and remained by their side. FLAWS AND ALL!!!!…I watched alot of black women cry to to they couldnt cry no more …i watched them hold down the fort to the very and give there all……all with NO ATTITUDE JUST DEDICATION AND LOVE.
ALL RACES HAVE GOLD-DIGGERS!!! BUT LIKE ANY OTHER HUMAN BLACK, WHITE, BROWN, YELLOW OR GREEN..LOL…A PERSON GET’S TIRED…..WE AS A PEOPLE HAVE BEEN THRU ALOT…AND SADLY ALOT OF OUR IMPERFECTIONS HAVE TRANSCENDED DOWN GENETICALLY.
WE ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS !!! BUT TO STATE THAT BLACK WOMAN HAVE NO LOVE FOR BLACK MEN IS DEAD SET WRONG……I KNOW PLENTY OF WOMEN THAT WERE MARTYR’S IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND WOULD BREAK HELL OVER HIGH WATER FOR THEIR MAN.
DO WHITE WOMEN HAVE AN ADVANTAGE DUE TO THEIR INHERITED WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY YES!!! THEIR EDUCATION (COLLEGE) IS PAID FOR BEFORE THEY ARE 18 YEARS OF AGE. THEIR PARENTS MOST LIKELY HAVE ASSESSTS DATING BACK TO THE 1900′S WHICH CREATED WEALTH FOR GENERATIONS DOWN THE LINE.
BLACK MEN AND BLACK WOMEN NEVER HAD IT EASY, AND MOST LIKELY IN THIS LAND WE NEVER WILL. IAM NOT SAYING THAT IS AN EXSCUSE TO BE NON-PRODUCTIVE OR DYSFUNCTIONAL.
AND JUST LIKE BLACK WOMEN HAVE UNREALISTIC WANTS IN BLACK MEN, BLACK MEN DO AS WELL. ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IS A BEAUTIFUL BLACK SISTER HIGHLY EDUCATED , POSITIVE IN SPIRIT AND NO KIDS……GUESS WHAT BECAUSE SHE IS NOT LIGHT SKINNED , WITH LONG HAIR AND A EXOTIC LOOK SHE IS NOT FIRST CHOICE AS A WIFE FOR BLACK MEN. SO MANY BLACK MEN TOLD HER, IF ONLY YOU WAS LIGHT SKINNED YOU WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL….WOW!!!!! MY HEART BLEEDS FOR HER , FOR SHE IS A WONDERFUL WOMAN INSIDE AND OUT. BUT BLACK MEN DONT EVEN GIVE HER A CHANCE BECAUSE SHE IS NOT CONSIDERED THE “IDEAL WIFE” OF AMERICAN STANDARDS.
co-sign!
co-sign!!
co-sign
You are funny in a sad way and hateful! If this is what you are offering as a black man….I don’t want it and the white girl can have you. What amazes me about your comment is that you are another black man who is mind fu*%ed, and i say that because you are putting a whole race of women down because of your preferred white woman.
I qualify for seven and then some with you list of 8 above. Yes, I light up a room and everyone knows I am there because I carry myself with class and dignity…with a killer smile!
Great article!
Honestly I don’t think there are enough good black women or men. However, the truth of the matter is that both Black men & Black women more often then not aren’t into/attracted to the good man/woman. We all know black men who f’d the good girl around just to be taken to the cleaners by the bad girl. And black women who are so far up on their high horse to see the good man right in front of them. He might not have a car, or he has a child (who he takes care of without a court order) by another woman. But they go after the GQ dude who’s a player and have women all over town then want to call all men dogs while the good man they laugh and joke with at work just get looked over.
The other thing is before someone could truly love or be good to and for another person they have to love and be good to themselves. I don’t believe a lot of us love or are happy with who we are on the inside therefore we look for others to make us happy and to love us. However, if a person isn’t happy and secure with who they are within then it’s nothing any mate could do to help that person.
Being happy with who you are doesn’t mean you have accomplished everything you have set out to do in life or you’re where you want to be in life at that moment. It just means you content with the path your on and are still striving.
Over all I didn’t think the list was all that bad, hell that’s definitely things I would want in my daughter suitor. However, no predetermined list can measure the characteristics of a good black man or woman for that matter.
Why? In the past two or more years there have there been so many articles, seminars, about black women! “Why black women can’t find a man?”, “Black women aren’t attractive as….!”, and oh my favorite one “Black women need to date outside their race to find love”. What is the sudden interest in black women? I just find it very strange!
Okay, so a black man is considered “good” because
1) He is heterosexual
2) Is interested in black women
3) Has a high school diploma
4) Earns over $30,000 per year
5) Is not obese
6) Does not have kids with another woman
….that’s it? How about being a leader, non-drug dealer/user, educated other than high school, believes in the family unit, and building a foundation for the family. The list above is set so low that black men don’t even realize it.
I personally am well educated, pay all my bills before they are due, only one debt (for school), I take care of my family very well, I’m well into my career, I’m happy and I absolutely LOVE myself. So why should I lower my standards to have a “black” man when his standards for himself are below average? Where are the articles about what’s considered to be a “good” white man? Let see!
1) College educated
2) Earns over $75,000 per year
3) Married (with no outside children)
4) Owns a home or multiple homes
5) Invest in his children’s future and has a solid foundation
6) Loves and Protects his family
etc………
Sign me up for that!
when Black Men are considerd real men , maybe then those disqualifiers that black wowmen have placed on so many black men will be removed.. society has shown some black women that you don’t need a man except for certin things in their lives. gone is the accute selection of men that want somthing to reductions of standards to be called and treated like the labels rappers have placed on our women, which is degrading yet acceptable by so many. gone is the encouragement of black women to get black men to be real men and not accept the prediction of doom. Black women have black men on a trial basis, and when they don’t measure up that so called devoted love they had for them is transfered to the next guy. remember that all boys soon to men are born of women and raised by women and what ever is not in him was left out by that female influence that he was impacted by all of his life. if he’s lazy, unfaithful, not motivated, low expectations, well his first female interaction was with mom that had zero demands on him growing up. the realization here is that what woman wants a real man ? or does she want just a companion ? is that why it’s a mad quest for her happiness, and a man’s priveledge to be around her ? Black men are suffering a so many ways, socially, finantualy, educationaly, some black men see it as a accomplishment to go to jail or prison and to me that’s crazy and counter-productive, yet Black women help them in their illegal ventures and then visit them in prison with their offsprings. the suedo-intellelctual Black women are in love with their sororities and their job’s, not looking far enough ahead to realize that this kind of value system almost guarentee’s a great home , a big salary, a beautiful car, and memories, with no man that can or be allowed to love you, he’s a rent a man, as the sand of the emotional hour glass run out on him, his final evaluatiion is being taken as he’s paraded around as “the guy”. he ‘s just not aware that his stay is transitional at best. when you see a beautiful black woman rideing alone with her head against her window and always ready to travel to see a girl friend it’s because she has been told by someone ” I WOULDN’T TAKE THAT FROM HIM” in reality she’s taking a lot more. When the right way to evaluate a good black man that will evolve into a great black man is like the big question, it becomes a simple question when the answer is found. a Black woman must be prepared to give a much as she expects, approach a relationship as a we and a I relationship, leave the hidden agenda’s home, and let the man want to marry you and not you working the game to get him to marry you. Remember that every woman has what you have, but maybe with a honest intent and not a manipulative one. A black woman can have in her personal life anything that she desires, if she is true to who she is and stop trying to be the white girl, black men who desire white women have already lost their ability to ralate to you or be with you, they can now have that once forbidden fruit. African american women have it all but they have to realize this , and chaseing the dream of white america will not work. The creature comforts are for everybody that can afford them but the life long comforts have to derive from a much deeper place. As for me i will love a bald head Black woman before I’ll have a black woman with weave or extentions, if a woman is superficial on the surface she’s superficial in other area’s. Simple is good, feeling good in your own skin is great, having a character is wonderful, but knowing how and who to love is for a eternity. There are enough good black men to go around, just go and get you a good one, not just a male counterpart.
Wow, rasil4u…you sound bitter & I think u missed the point. NO one has to give you permission to date outside your race…but don’t blame our black men for your decision. There is nothing wrong with our black men ecept the media constatnly putting these “black man” phobias in our head. so sorry if your experience with black men have not been so great, so move on tto the next racebut don’t try to jump on the anti-black relationship media adn say there are no good black mean just because you are impatient and waiting for MR> Perfect to come along. there is no Mr. Perfect but there are zillions of good black men. . I’ll takke all the black men you bitter, sad & pitiful ,lonely and probaby will never be married black women. I hope Mr. White, Mr. Aisian, Mr. Hispanic treats yoy so welldecidecision.
so you’ve bought into the propaganda that black men give black women aids. think back when AIDS was first discovered. it was a homosexual, white male disease…now it’s a heterosexual black, female disease! NEVER in the history in any kind of illness has a virus crossed racial, gender & sexual lines all together. so youre saying black men made that happen?? don’t forget about the Syphilis sudy they (the white men you say you wanna marry b/c no good black men) injected us with that poison. you sound so stupid.
OKAY, TO ALL OF YOU AVAILABLE BLACKMEN OUT THERE WHO CAN’T SEEM TO FIND AN AVAILABLE REAL BLACKWOMAN …. THIS IS AN S. O. S.
This is a real Blackwoman who is divorsed, just turned 50, 5 6, 150 pds, size 10, pecan toned, intelligent, well groomed, neatly dressed, drama free, honest, cute, keeps in shape, no weave, no fake nails, no fake eye lashes, let’s see, what else, health conscious, one son on his own, fun, outgoing, pleasant, romantic, adventerous, business minded, goal oriented, not loud, working on MS degree, from Brooklyn, NY, live in SC, have a job, a decent vehicle..
I desire a real Blackman who is honest, well groomed, dresses neat, clean cut, drama free, secure minded, goal oriented, business minded, intelligent, at least 5 9′, all his teeth, a decent vehicle, a job, at least no more than 2 kids, lol, maybe 3, but no baby mamma drama….outgoing, fun, pleasant. romantic, love his mother, respectable of woman.. and more important, me…
I DON’T LIVE BY A LIST I LIVE BY STANDARDS AND THESE ARE SOME OF MINE EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE STANDARDS IF YOU DON’T HAVE STANDARDS YOU’LL EXCEPT ANYTHING…
TODAY IS 9/28/11….
All of the points in this list are valuable especially those that were missing from the article. Most intelligent human being here must look at cause and effect. 200 hundred years of abuse in this free society we have lived in hurt the abusers also.They have a lot of trash on both sides of the line. God is still above us and I would be willing to bet his list is loaded with the name. NO ONE especially in this UNITED STATES OF AMERICA should be looking down there long nose talking about any group any where. Ladies and gentlemen this picture is not pretty I don’t care what your race or religion is.. Blacks have learned to HATE ON EACH OTHER AND WE WEAR IT LIKE A BADGE OF HONOR.We need to pray that earth is all that is left after we are dead or a hudge percentage of this great country of ours will not have seen each other for the last time. We are sick and the cure is not in the power of MEN. SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE. YOUR MONEY AND STATUS CAN NOT SAVE YOU. LET YOUR MONEY TAKE YOU TO THE MIDDLE EAST SO YOU CAN SEE WITH YOUR OWN EYES WHAT THE POWER OF GOD LEFT BEHIND. YOU AREN’T AFRAID ITS REAL OR AM I WRONG?
Breakin what if that man with great career get fired or is laid off. If he is a business owner, he could bust. If this occurs he needs a black woman to love him more than ever so he will have the confidence and strength to rebuild. Yes there are some men and women who are total jacka__ses, but the majority are good people, we need to get each other a chance.
WHITE AMERICAN MEN SHOULD BE THE VERY LAST TO COMMENT ON THIS ARTICLE. LOOK HOW YOUR (WOMEN) FLOCK TO BE WITH THEM.YOU BOYS DON’T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP. YOU’VE LOST CONTROL OF YOUR KIDS ALSO. It also appears that the Priest in your rich churches have a problem also. All of you need to CLEAN UP your back yards before you talk about someone else. Crystal Met is just like Crack cociane and your house has fallen and reaching lower levels everyday. Do you know where your kids are?
It’s fake hype as usual
Spoken like a woman scorned! If you tell a person they ain’t ish, they will eventually believe it! So what you give is what you will get……….ish! Yes, both our black men and black women have some issues. Can’t denie that! But……if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem Love, Instead of kicking the backs of your brother, sons, and nephews in, ( cuz you do realize when you speak of black men they are included) maybe YOU “should learn to be supportive and stay behind him”! With that attitude pumpkin, what decent black man would want you? So instead of kicking dirt on the black man as a whole, be mad at the one’s who programed you to think the way you think. In fact, be mad at yourself for not having the skill, intuition, sense, confidence, ability, trust, respect, and love of self to chose better men in general! Be mad at yourself for not being able to live,love, learn, forgive, and move the hell on. They only did to you what you allowed them to do! So it is not the black mans fault that you are scorned, it is your own! Let me guess, you are one of those women who tries to rescue a man and bribe your way into a mans heart? Well if you wasn’t getting as much time, love, and respect as you were giving, that’s your own fault to stick around and get used abused and stripped of your value. A relationship is a two way street, but if your street only goes one way, be smart enough to turn a corner (LEAVE) befor the street turns into a dead end! You are a product and confirmation of the Willy Lynch syndrome! Sister, you would benefit from reading the Willy Lynch speach and Making of a Nigro! Educate yourself on why and how you got programed to think the way you think about the black man OH AND BY THE WAY, I AM A BLACK WOMAN!!!!
co-sign>200%
Damn we lost another one! (meaning a black man) But we didn’t lose you to the white woman we lost you to that slave as mantality you have. I give it to you, you have a few points about a black womans attitude. Now ask yourself this…….Why do so many black women have that attitude? hmmmm you are probably drawing a blank right? Helllllloooooo… it’s because you disrespect your queens the way you just did by basically telling the black woman she is nothing, worth nothing, has nothing and means nothing to you mr black man!!! Oh and a white woman is more worthy of you than she is. Make no mistakes you do not have to say those word for her to know it, it is in your walk, your talk, and the way you treat her. Stay ignorant, stay disrespectful, and stay with your white woman cuz you are one of the one’s we don’t want anyway! Hello and goodbye!
agree!
The absurdity of this article is pure unadulterated sadness. Sadness because the black male and female still after all these years fail to realize that every article of this nature perpetuates the intended agenda of black separation. Divide then continue to conquer, generation after generation after generation. Not so much a physical conquest, but the more damaging conquest of the mind. Having the intended target audience believing that race should be a factor when it comes to loving someone. Believing that socio-economic-educational status should be considered. When throughout relational history, it’s evident that matrimonial unions regardless of each individuals status before or after marriage, have overwhelmingly ended in divorce. Yet when this type of propaganda is presented to us black people,some of us jump in whole heartedly ripping each other apart before the bell sounds to even start the fight. And what’s so disconcerting about the ferociousness of such a fight is that it’s as if we’re the only race having relational problems.Each participant swinging from their own individual lifes perspective and experiences. So then the mindset is “I’m going to try another race”. Failing once again to realize that true love is colorless. But because of ones upbringing and prejudices we, and other races have potentially passed a soulmate by. Sisters and brothers if you choose to be with someone of another race,do it because it’s simply something you’d like to try. But let’s not, because of our own personal experiences, berate each other as if we have never and never will love each other again. This article ” Only 3 good black men for every 100 black women” is pure and simple propagandic nonsence. . . . . . . .Peace.
I am upset and I am not even a black man! I am upset because as a race we tear each other down instead of build each other up. These words of self hatrate are a perpetuating cycle of why our black men and women have so many issues.I have never heard another race of people disrespect each other the way we do.
I second that Zenland! Nicely put!
Preacher125man, Hold up! Did you just say black women are mentally enslaved and with that same tongue say we have alterior motives, want to be like white women and basically couldn’t spot a good man if he wore a sign on his head? Hmmmm nice try at sounding intelectual but you get an “F” because you just displayed the same slave ass mentality that you accuse us of having by attaching those negative connotations to our discription. Nice try Love, but you’re not there yet. Learn a little more about self hate then speak on this subject.
I think you missed the point and how to spell correctly! What rasil4u stated makes perfect sense, and you attacking her with your hateful words proves her point. Sound to me like you have a HUGE chip on your shoulder!! That’s why sisters should give up on black men because they are less educated, afraid to be a MAN, putting more money in your cars and trucks instead of setting up investments for your many children, selling drugs and/or using them, having sex with other men and spreading STDs to the black woman.
You and waiting2exhale100 sound ignorant!!!!
jaleelshkr you hit the nail on the head. this has been done throughout our history since slavery. we were separated and werent allowed to be a family. They are still doing it!
Take her to school Zenland! hahaaaaaa I love when people speak facts!
True indeed!
Ha! I read the article and I am not even going to read the comments because I know what I’ll read. But a little advice for those 97 women that cannot get a “good” Black man – Keep it movin’! If you cannot find a “good” Black man, then you probably cannot find a good man period. Find a White, Brown, Yellow, Red, Purple, whatever kinda man that will put up with your bitterness. You cannot that is why you just complain about the Black man, so you can have an excuse to not have a man at all. Black men seem to have no problem finding women of any (and every) race that love and stand by and support them! So what the problem is
Oh, and they are not being ran over, they are playing their position. I consider myself a “good” Black man and I married a Black woman that was not raised properly and now I am paying for it. I married a Black woman because of all this propagandized B.S. that y’all bitter woman put out there. Y’all got me! I wanted to be a good Black mand and raise a good Black family. I wanted to “represent”. What a mistake! I have great children, but their mother is worthless as a wife and an example. I am the best thing that ever happened to her and she knows it, but still won’t straighten up. So guess what – she’ll burn with the rest of the bitter women. Ladies! I love y’all. And those of you that love and appreciate your men, regardless of race, you are greatly appreciated too! It does my heart good to see it although I do not have it myself. “Good” women, keep doing y’all are doing!
The Tuskeegee Experiment is no excuse for Black males to spread HIV/AIDS to Black women. Yes, I said it. The first women who got HIV were white and they got it from their husbands who were hiding in the closet. HIV spread into Black communities beginning when it was called GRID – Gay Related Immuno-Deficiency. Black gays and white gays spread it among each other; then Black gays spread it among Bi-sexual Black males, who in turn spread it to Black women. I saw it as it happened here in NYC, one of the prime epi-center cities. Add jailhouse sex and the Black male’s promiscuity, and yes, Black males spread HIV to Black females. Get a clue, and stop blaming everything for Black male failure.
BTW, Black women also want men with teeth and who bathe.
If you only read one comment. . . . . . . .Read mine. It’s just below yours.
GOD IS ALL THE BLACK MAN AND WOMAN NEED. HE GUIDE YOU AND CLEAN YOUR HEART AND SOUL UP. ADHERE TO HIS WISDOM AND ALL YOUR PHOBIAS, PROBLEMS, TRUST ISSUES, AND ALL OTHER RELATION PROBLEMS WILL WITHER AWAY…..
I so know what you mean. To be dated only to be duped and told,well I prefer white women. It’s pretty sad and I gotta say I seem to hear this and other variations from black men…if you were white…its getting very sad to see how we, black women are negativly portrayed in every media format. Which, IMO has led black men not liking black women from the start without a real reason why. America is still not a friend to black americans and it may never Be.
Wow!!! Just amazing how hateful, bitter, and angry , some of you that are commenting on this article sound towards each other.
my words are not hateful by any means. They are true! I did not come on here bashing black men, nor did I bash whatever her name is. I simply stated what I percieve her issue with black men to be. that’s the problem with people who have slave mentalities… You believe all the propaganda about your own race of people and when someone educated withing your race points that out, you take issue with it. And I will tell you like I told her, your anger is misplaced! The issue lies within yourself if you are that upset about my telling you to love yourself, love your race, build your village and look withing yourself as to why you are unhappy with others. Maybe what I said hit you in the heart. Maybe everything I said to her sounded like you! Oh I get it, you to are a reflections of each other. Two unhappy, self loathing, miseducated individules, that blame others for you own inability to choose a decent black man. I got some book for you to…The From Niggas to God’s 1 and 2, and The Miseducation of a Negro. Ok than come back when you are educated and get on this advanced level with me! Please and thank you!
oh yeah and cudoes to you for having your spelling game right, (if I spelled it wrong it’s because the spelling is not as importan as the point) NOW GET YOUR HEAD RIGHT and then come at me Love! C
Plaudits my Sistah Plaudits , I’m giving you a standing ovation mentally I love how you speak and what you are saying. Simply refreshing and intellectually inclined and insightful. Can I have your email addy I’m a Sister who would love to have you write on my blog!~
LOL….now that’s funny! hilarious!!! Maybe your comments are TRUE to only YOU!!! Your truth doesn’t have any basis to actual facts. Look up the word FACT in a dictionary if you own one…if not look it up on your computer. Girl, you do not move me nor do you “hit me in the heart” LOL You people always come back with anger and attitude…and you wonder why white people are always a step ahead of you. Sorry to disappoint you but I am a very HAPPY, LOVING, SECURE, WELL EDUCATED (street, BA & Masters)…You can look up the definitions of those words as well. There’s no need to attack me….it’s worthless on your part! Insecure people like yourself always try and tell others what they are without even knowing a person.
Truth Hurts!
It is unfortunate that you (a scholar) always seem to use slavery as an analogy to whatever position you are trying to sell.
Actually, from the list you displayed I would say that the numbers are pretty much on point.
Black men need to step up their game, and please do not think that I mean ALL black men because I do not.
I had a loving father, uncles, brother and male friends who are excellent black men. They are responsible, they step up to the plate of being what a man should be for his family. They do not have a sting of children out there with different women. They became educated in whatever interest them, and earn a good living. They honor women and have respect for themselves and other human beings on the planet. They are a class act and present themselves as men.
It is not my intent to dog black men, and I understand that there are black women out here who don’t have it together either, however water seeks its own level. Black women for the most part knew a long time ago what they had to do. They educated themselves, they have worked hard, they have earned everything they have. They deserve to have a man who is on her level. She should not settle for anything less. If that means going outside the race, then so be it.
You do not sound happy Love, you sound scorned, bitter and like the uppity black woman who has risen above her black men because she has a degree! You are right, truth hurts as is evidence by your response to what I said to someone else. You are NOT educated, you are learned and there is a difference! I too have a degree, but the real education is about self and if you don’t have knowledge of self and the whys of how society works and your role in it, YOU HAVE NOTHING! When during the course of gettin your BA did they teach you to love yourself? Where in the course of getting your MASTERS did they teach you to love and respect your race? Oh please tell me what school you went to so I can recommend it to some of our youth so they can be taught about love of self. I’m not talking about the ONE African Studies class they offer on campas. I want to know where the school is that gives you knowledge of the social issues of the black community. Exactly… there is not school for that! Pick up a book and read about yourself! You are not educated, you are learned, brainwashed, programmed, and so sadly misguided! I’ve had a couple black men that was not up to standard, but sweety that issue is theirs not mine! They say when you know better you do better, and I did! You are only attracting what you are! If your light was as bright as you claim it to be, the horrible men you speak of would flee from you because they would not want to be exposed to that bright light you shine. No, you would attract a man who is as bright in spirit and self worth as you claim to be. So again I say……Look within for the answer to your problem and all black men are not the scum of the earth just because you can’t find one worthy of you. Or is it that you are not worthy of a good black man? Do like I do and hand your sons,brothers, nephews, and male cousins a book to enlighten them about who they are, where they come from, and how to be free.Because unlike you were told, you are not free as long as your mind is in bondage! Help yourself, help a young black man escape the mental bondage that has him being talked about as less than human and you on the post talkin like a damn fool! Be a contribution to your race instead of another hinderance! Black men are destined to continue this cycle of disfuntion because every man on earth hates them and obvious their own woman do too!! Your a slave with a degree!!!!
you have many points i will stand by but its not the ladies fault theyre brainwashed by trying 2 be the next BARBIE so they cut their hair and buy the white womans own..and bleach their skin because they think that the lighter the skin the more attractive it is.its your choice 2 go for the black or the white woman but 1 thing i know 4 sure the white womaan will never show love as an afrikan queeen
LMAO…..You so caught up in yourself that you don’t even realize. You are not ever worth the words I am typing at this very moment. I am whatever you say I am….if that makes you feel better as a person.
REBIRTHOFLOVE….WITH A HUGE SMILE!
I’m still laughing at you. Thanks! I like to laugh before I go to sleep. YOU LEARNED” LMAO!!! whooooh that’s funny! Lol…oh man! Yea okay!
You are so wrong. Stop being stuck in your own little corner of your world and venture out and you will find us. Plentiful and strong, with excellent character and integrity.
I AM A BLACK MAN, YOUR HOSTILITY BREATHES STRONG FROM YOUR KEYBOARD, ATTEMPT TO TONE DOWN YOUR ANGER, NO MAN BLACK, WHITE, KOREAN WOULD ACCEPT SUCH A PERSONALITY OR HAS TO, GOD IS LOVE!
I think the man should have standards for both himself and for the potential mate. Also, the article is not fair because it does not qualify the women. Every woman is not suitable for a relationship either. A ratio of suitable men to suitable women would be more worthy of interest. The article is another man bashing article.Itis another reason fatherlessness is a major problem in America.
Nice article. Something friends and I often discuss. But yall’s comments tho…..really make for a good read.
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
The 12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous focuses on the building of three(3) loving relationships: (a) with oneself, (b) with his/her Higher Power (as he/she understands Him), and (c) with those which the recovering alcoholic/addict will come into contact with. Truly, if one has not demonstrated a love for self, it would be difficult to imagine that person demonstrating love for others.
“You can get a good indication of how a person will treat you, by observing how she (he) treats herself (himself)”. It would be difficult to believe that a father/mother really loves their children when they—by their addictive/criminal behavior—are putting their lives (whom the children depend upon) in jeopardy on a daily basis. Individuals who truly love their significant other, don’t do things that would separate themselves from that person.
A woman once said, “I can get any man I want”. Someone answered, “But why is it that you can’t keep one?” On another occasion, a man was interrupted—after stating several time—that he was “looking for a good woman”. Someone responded, “In order to keep a good woman, you must first be a good man”.
Because of the devastating effects that relationships can have on the lives of all people, most 12-Step programs suggest that recovering persons don’t commit themselves to a relationship until they have established a foundation of sobriety/abstinence. Even so-called normal people have been known to lose their jobs, burn down houses, commit suicide, homicide, escape jail, and even return to jail as a result of the emphasis that one has placed on that relationship. Again, it’s not the relationship itself, it’s the emphasis that one places on it. Remember, what was said about, money/evil”
Before individuals enter into a partnership, they sit down together to establish rules, guidelines, individual responsibilities, etc. Some of the questions asked might be the following:
(1) First off, how does each partner define love/commitment? Are they healthy definitions?
(2) What are some of the things that you look for in a mate? What emphasis do you place on those
traits?
(3) What do you expect of your mate? What does he/she expect from you? Are those expectations realistic
and achievable? Is there room for compromise; for growth?
(4) What are some of the things that make you uncomfortable? What might make your mate uncomfortable?
What are some things that you both can compromise on; and, what are some things that you won’t tolerate?
(5) Determine what is important to each of you. What are your priorities in life? What are his/hers? Are they
compatible;
(6) Do you feel that you deserve the best that life has to offer? If so, why do you settle for less?
And, if not, why not?
(7) What is the best that you have to offer another person; what do you bring to the partnership? Does your partner feel that it is enough to satisfy him/her? If not, is there room for compromise?
(8) What is something about you that might cause another to not want to be in your presence? If you were
a member of the opposite sex, would you choose you as a lifetime companion?
(9) Did you ask your Higher Power to assist you in getting a mate?
(10) What are your thoughts/feelings about a 50/50 relationship, where each partner is responsible for
contributing 50%?
Some things that can help to maintain, and improve, a relationship;
A. Get a clear understanding of what each expects of the other; neither of you are Amind-readers@.
B. Leave behind old baggage; let the past be just that. Alex Drier (a newscaster of the past) once
said, “I give everybody a clean sheet, and allow them an opportunity to mess it up
themselves”.
C. Allow your partner to be human. What are some of the things that humans do?
D. Practice unconditional regard. The Golden Rule. And, want the same happiness for your mate,
as you would want for yourself.
E. Don’t go to bed before “smoking the peace pipe”.
F. Stifle the urge to fix, manage, and control (FMC) everything; let go of the Frank Sinatra
syndrome.
G. Practice being open-minded; your mate might have some experiences that may be valuable in
your decision-making.
H. Don’t be too quick to judge someone by their current position in life. Sometimes it isn’t as important as
where you are, as it is where you are trying to go. And, there is no guarantee that an individual will remain
in that position throughout his/her life; they may either improve on that position, or digress from it”.
I. Continue to find ways to express the importance of your spouse’s contribution (emotional,
financial, spiritual, etc.) to your life. Stop the, “If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have ————-“.
J. Everything that comes to my mind, should not come out of my mouth. I should be ever mindful of whether
what I say will inspire, or despair. If it’s the latter, then I should keep it to myself.
K. “Grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence; however, yours could be just
as beautiful, and healthy, if you’ll both work to cultivate it (to make it happen)”.
L. It was once said, “Rarely does one want someone that no one else wants; and, it is just as rare
that one would want someone that everyone else has had”.
M. Treat your mate as you would a newborn infant.
Some important “C’s” that have been observed in successful relationships:
(1)Communication, (2) Compromise, (3) Commitment, Cooperation, (4) Consistency/Creativeness, (5) Companionship, (6) Constraint, (7) Congratulate, (8) Console/Comfort, (9) Consideration, (10)
Courage
How many good so-called black woman is there for every righteous black man?
Did the study define good?
The title of this so-called study is an attack on the brothers insinuates that the 100 women are virtuous women. Further, more in our culture the woman was made for the man therefore, relationships is center around the woman pleasing, submitting, and following the man. Brothers don’t get caught up in this foolishness we should be focus on nation building.
SO CORRECT!!! THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT, EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS IT EXCEPT US!!! CONQUER AND DIVIDE..SO WELL PLANNED!!!!!
All I am going to say is that I consider myself to be a strong black woman than has been threw things just like everyone else. I chose to do better than to complain. I have always been told that if all you end up with is no good men(regardless of color) maybe you need to start trying to figure out what it is about you that seems to attract those type of men to you. I know that there are good black men out there. There are many in my family.
I am recently going through a divorce from a black man that I have been in love with for over 20 years. It was a marriage that should never have been but I thought with me being the type of woman I am, he would turn into the type of man that I wanted him to be. WRONG!!!! I stood by these man through all of his bad times but he was always ready to run when I went through mine. I supported him and the family when he couldn’t or wouldn’t keep a job. He rode around in my car with his buddies while I was a work and yet I still treated this man like a King. I then started to complain about the things he was doing or lake there of when I should have been mad at myself for continuing to put up with it. I blamed him for being the obvious sorry a** black man when he color had nothing to do with the type of person he is. I don’t care if this man had been a tall mocha chocolate when millions in his pocket or a tall white man with millions in his pocket, he is still a ugly, selfish, mean spirited, sad man on the inside. I love men period and will not continue to talk down on the black man. We as a people need to stop tearing each other down and learn to help build each other up. It is just something instilled inside a lot of us that is so sad and lonely, and all we want is to see someone else in the same predicament. WHY!!!!????
I AGREE, BUT FRIST, WE MUST FIND LIKE MINDS….FOR EXAMPLE ME AND ROACHES CAN NEVER GET ALONG, THEREFORE, I DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO STAY AWAY FROM THEM..SAME AS IN REAL LIFE… AS WITH WHAT SEVERAL SISTERS SHARED IS HOW MANY BLACKWOMAN STUCK BY THE BLACKMAN IN THEIF LIFE REGARDLESS OF HOW BAD HE TREATED HER, AND YES, THERE ARE PLENTY BLACKWOMAN WHO USED AND ABUSED THE GOOD BLACKMAN IN THEIR LIFE…DOES THAT MEAN WE ALL ARE THE SAME, IF THAT’S THE CASE, I SHOULD HATE ALL BLACKMEN BSED ON WHAT I “ALLOWED MYSELF TO GO THROUGH., BUT THAT’S LIKE SAYING ALL BLACKMEN ARE DOGS..IS THAT TRUE, IT MAY SEEM LIKE IT BECAUSE I’VE YET TO MEET ONE WHERE SEX WAS NOT THE FIRST THING ON THE AGENDA..NOT MY MIND, NOT WHAT I HAV TO OFFER, BUT SEX..AND THAT’S A FACT….NOW WE HAVE A SITUATION WHERE BLACKMEN WHO ARE NEAT, WELL GROOMED,BUSINESS & GOAL ORIENTED ARE TOO FAR AND IN BETWEEN..MY OBSERVATIONS FROM NY TO SC..AND MY OWN EXPERIENCES AS A WOMAN WHO JUST TURNED 50, IS THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON…WE HAVE BEEN SET UP AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE SET UP AS LONG AS WE CONTINUE TO ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE CONTROLLED BY THE DOMINANT SOCIETY, PHYSICAL, MENTALLY & EMOTIONALLY, AT ONE TIME A BLACKMAN LOOK AT A WHITEWOMAN, HE’D FIND HIMSELF AT THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER, NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SO CALLED FORBIDDEN FRUIT IS PLENTIFUL AND SWEET, LOVING, KIND, KNOWS HOW TO TREAT HER MAN…UMMMM…AND THE BLACKWOMAN IS MEAN, ANGRY, LOUD, GOLD DIGGER & DON’T KNOW HOW TO TREAT HER MAN..UMMMM, VERY INTERESTING..I LOOK AT MYSELF AND SEVERAL OTHER BLACKWOMAN I KNOW, I AM NOT FAT, I WORK OUT, I WORK A JOB, I’M GOING TO SCHOOL, I DON’T HAVE WEAVE IN MY HAIR, FALSE EYELASHES, A GOOD POINT WAS MENTIONED ABOUT THAT EARLIER. I’VE ALSO GAVE MY ALL TO THE MAN I’VE HAD IN MYSELF LIFE BUT ALL THEY WANTED TO DO WAS CONTROL, WAS INSECURE AND VIOLENT..I AM SURE MANY BLACKWOMAN CAN ATTEST TO THAT. HELL, I’M TREATED UGLY BY MANY OF MY OWN, NOT ONLY BLACKMEN BUT BLACKWOMEN, SHOULD I HATE MY RACE AND DISOWN…DOES THAT MEAN ALL BLACK PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND HATEFUL..HELL NO..DON’T GET ME WRONG, THOUGH I NEVER WISHED TO BE ANOTHER RACE BECAUSE I LOVE WHAT THE CREATOR BLESSED ME WITH, BUT I DO SHAKE MY HEAD IN DISGUST AT TIMES. THE LYNCHES PAPERS IS ALIVE AND WELL BUT ONLY IN ANOTHER DECADE. WE ALLOW ALL THAT GABAGE ON THE TUBE TO FILL OUR SOUL..BASKETBALL WIVES, BRAXTON’S, ETC. BUT ON THE OTHER WE ARE BEING BOMBARDED WITH HOW BEAUTIFUL THE WHITEWOMAN IS…AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED ANY ONE OF US THAT TURNS THEIR BACK ON THEIR RACE IS A HYPOCRITE AND HAVE NOT LEARNED FROM AND CHEERISHED WHAT WE ENDURED IN OUR PAST, AND NOW, ALTHOUGH SOME BLACKWOMAN DO IT, BUT MORESO BLACKMEN, WHO ARE MIND IS EASILY SWAYED, CAN GET WITH THE FORMER SLAVE MASTER’S OFFSPRING, A PUNCH IN THE FACE FOR US GOOD BLACKBLACK WOMAN WORK WHO HAVE NOT AT THE CHANCE TO BE IN A LOVING REALATIONSHIPF. FOR THE MOST PART THERE IS NO EXCUSE THAT THERE ARE SO MANY FATHERLESS BLACK CHILDREN, NOT MOTHERLESS BUT FATHERLESS WHOSE ONLY MENTORS ARE GANG BANGERS, THUGS WITH ;THEIR PANTS DOWN THIER ASS, RUNNING AMOK IN THE COMMUNITIES, NOT RESPECT, NO SHAME, AS I CONSTANTLY SEE AND HEAR ALL THIS BULLSHIT AGAINST EACH OTHER, THE BLACKMAN DON’T WANT THE BLACKWOMAN BECAUSE OF THIS OR THAT, AND HOW NOW WE ARE NOT ASSUALTED BYSOME OF YOU BUT BY THE MEDIA, THE “MAD BLACK WOMAN” OR YOUR’LL FAVORITE WORD GOLDDIGGERS, I’VE YET TO HEAR HOW MANY BLACKMEN ARE PUS–Y DIGGERS, SPREADING DISEASES, O, THAT’S OKAY..AT THS POINT, YOU “BLACKMEN CAN CONTNUE OVERLOOKING ME AS A DAMN, REAL GOOD BLACKWOMAN, BECAUSE AS I SEE HOW OUR FUTURE IS GOING TO HE– AND THAT WE MAY NOT HAVE NONE..THAT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO ME..WHAT ARE YOU BLACKMEN DOING TO HELP YOUR RACE..CONTINUE ALLOWING THE DOMINATE SOCIETY CONTROL YOU…MOST OF YOU WHO ARE OVER 39, HAVE LEARNED NOTING FROM YOUR PAST..HOW EASY YOU FORGET. WE HAVE NO FUTURE AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS YOUR SELFISHNESS, GOD GAVE OUR RACE ANOTHER CHANCE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT WE WERE AND STILL GREAT KINGS & QUEENS AND LOOK HOW WE ACT..CAN’T DRIVE UP THE STREET WITHOUT SEEING SLOPPY DRESSED BLACKMEN WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN THEIR ASS OUT & YES, LOUD, DISRECTFUL BLACKWOMEN WITH THEIR BREAST OUT, THEIR IS ENOUGH BLAME TO GO AROUND,IF WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS. MEN& MEN, WOMAN AND WOMAN, MEN WANT TO BE FEMALE, FEMALE WANT TO BE MALE, LORD HELP US!! BUT YOU KNOW IF I CAN’T BE BLESSED WITH A WELL GROOMED, INTELLIGENT, BUSINESS MINDED, LOVING, BLACKMAN WHO UNDERSTANDS THE SITUATION, THE HE– WITH IT, MY GOAL IS OUR YOUTH..OUR FUTURE..I’M TIRED OF OUR IGNORANCE WHILE OUR RACE IS GOING TO HELL! THE MAN & THE WORLD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING, ONLY WE DON’T..GOD HELP US!! BLACKMEN IF YOU WANT WHITEWOMAN SO BE IT! I AM NOT ITO WOMAN & ANOTHER RACE IS NOT THE ANSWER. WE HAVE BEEN TRAINED TO HAVE NO COMMITMENT TO OUR RACE..SELF DESTRUCTION!!!!
Has anyone noticed that the title of this article is “Only 3 “GOOD” black men for every 100 “WOMEN”. What type women is this article referring to anyway women,while you’re so quick to berate and argue. Haven’t even noticed that the title itself begins with an insult to you. Oh and by the way, here’s what Eccl 7:28 says. ” While I was still searching but not finding,I found one upright man among a thousand,but not one upright woman among them all.Eccl 7:20 says,”there is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins. So what’s to make of this.Simple, pray for a good relationship and when/if God permits it, pray for that relationship, morning, noon,and night. . . . . . . . .Peace.
I can see how thick the ignorance is here…for the most part, you are correct, however, the point is, because many Blackmen are sleeping around, this woman, that woman, he is more likely to spread STD’s, that is a fact, whether you want to except it or not!! However, anyone who sleeps and creeps around will spread diseases..however, history indicates that most if not all diseases came from Europe, because the European believed AND STILL DO believe in same sex, orgies, etc. they spreaded those STDs, AIDS, AIDS didn’t come from a green monkey in Africa, the sickness continues..white homosexuals.if you don’t know history but only his story you doomed to repeat…the ignorance continues because, observations indicates that there are more blackmen with the former slave master’s offspring, the so called “forebidden fruit…more blackwoman are committed to blackwoman. History can never be forgotten or changed..if you decide to ignorant it, that’s on you…however, I am a Blackwoman, just turned 50, 150 pds, sized 10, intelligent, goal and business minded..yes, I have standards, I don’t want a sloppy dressed blackman who have dreads, no job, and no vehicle., out of shape and don’t take care of his hygeine and teeth..so if that means being alone than so be it..as a blackwoman from Brooklyn NY, who know of the injustices, & racist hatred we faced, how anyone who spoke up for our rights, black or white were slain..but the worst part of this situation is that we were trained to do just what we are doing..there is nothing new under sun..believe me, the “mater’s plan is working” Instead of letting it work, we should be mentoring our future, showing them a better way, teaching them right from wrong..stop trainig them to fail at birth by puttig those dreads in their hair, dressing sloppy, we know the white man pretty much tried to destroy our families, pit us against each other…so what the hell is the damn problem..if you don’t have a committment to your race than stand aside, get the hell out the way..we cannot afford to continue to allow our children to fall by the waste side while, blackmen want whitewomen or a man want a man or a woman want a woman..all that devish crap from the white race…keep it up! If you want a whitewoman get her…if you want a whiteman get him..if you want a man or woman or a dog..get it..but remember all this reflects on our whole race, not just your selfish ideals…and the only one who will lose is our future. We allowed ourselves to be dupe. All the fight, blood sweat and tears our ancestors faught and died for and all can fight about is BULLSHIT!! IGNORANCE AT ITS BEST..WHO’S IS WORKING IN THE COMMUNITIES..SO DEAF DUMB AND BLINDED BY STUFF THAT’S JUST AS WORST THAN DRUGS!! THE CLOCK DOES NOT STOP AND OUR CHILDREN OUR FUTURE NEED US!! IF YOU WANT..HOW SOON WE FORGET..O, I FORGOT, WE ARE FREE!!
I personally find your answer to be cliché. Who is this “they” you speak of? Slavery ended 150 years ago, and I doubt any of those slavemasters are still alive. The only people not allowing us to be a family now are ourselves. If we know at this point, in 2011, that there are systemic issues at work against Black people in the US, why are we still indulging them? Maybe my understanding is a bit different because I was born in West Africa, but, despite our relative poverty, when we came here, my parents (both of them) made sure that my brothers and I did our homework, read our books, studied, and went to college. We set higher standards for ourselves, instead of allowing this mysterious “they” to dictate our future.
He just needs a good woman PERIOD to love and support him.
Well said. While I agree that it is ultimately what’s inside that should count more when looking for your mate, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having high standards for yourself and for who you wish to date. Yes, it’s true that there are many women who want a quality man do not have quality traits themselves. But I think both Black men and women should be looking for quality in their partners.
You sound like one of those brothas we need to stay far away from…
Most Black men do want a particular shape women. Most brothers are looking for women with Kim Kadishian or J-Lo bodies . It doesn’t matter if sister is a shapely plus size with a beautiful face and personality. But you see sisters all the time with brothers who have large beer bellies. you will also see brothers in the grocery store o mall with white women, who are obese and unkept looking. Give me a break !!!
what a sad coon you are and you do not love Black women in the lest.
I have read most of the comments posted on this blog and I must say I was very disturbed by what I have read. People, People, People, why are we ripen each other apart. They can come out with 20 million articles about black people and their dating problems what will it change, you have plenty of black men that will not date outside of their race as well as black women. I am a mother of three, hardworking yes educated and independent but why do I have to be faulted for what I want or look for when I am chosen my mate. How many men who have commented on this blog that are black, educated, 5 or 6 figure salaries own their own homes and is single will seek companionship with a woman who has no job, 3+ kids,a million and one excuse on why they can’t improve themselves. NONE. So because a black woman expect more of a black man that makes her a golddigger. Please, as a woman I have accomplished so much for my family and myself and I am not going to let any man come in and take that from me whether he is black or another race. Black men say we b**ch to much why because we want you to want more for yourself then what your willing to except. Far as being natural, why do people contribute wearing hair weave not part of being a woman. If being totally natural makes you a woman don’t wear make up or get your nails done or your eyes arched you weren’t born like that. Beauty is on the inside, the outside will always be artificial in some shape or form. The outside apperance just enhance your inner beauty. Lets learn to embrace that in one another. Some one commented seek love in another race what will that solve, you should seek love in what you desire, race should never be an issue. I teach my children to love who they are and love the person thats going to love them for who they are it doesn’t matter to me what your race is. What this blog did cause us as race to attack each other. Black men against Black woman, Black woman against Black woman. We have to stand together as a race to be able to overcoming the negativity that is presented before us. Men have to be able to except their roles as men and stand up as strong black men and women we have to start supporting our black men in their efforts to improve themselves. Putting each other down will not fix what’s wrong it only creates more problems for our race as a whole.
Rasil4u,You are dead damn on.Right,Right,Right.every word you said is right.Good Black women ,don”t stand a chance.but you know what sex is all men”s guage for finding a mate.Lets face it.When does a man ever look at an overweight woman,and talk with her and finds out she is a terrific woman.I asked that question of a group of men while waiting to get my car washed.The answer just as I said.
The problem is women accept this type of behavior from the men they want. These days women are chasing the men instead of the men pursing them. That being the case what do they expect.
No disrespect my West African brother/sister, but what you on the continent went through via colonization and imperialism is not exactly the same as what my ancestors went through upon being shipped to the Americas. What you have is your language, customs, mores, knowledge of self and land, and the true African way of life of community.
My ancestors were maimed, degraded, stripped of language, prohibited by law of self-educating, and having our entire social lives i.e. mating, mobility, sex, controlled by the dominant culture. I make no excuse for the way some of us behave, but from the great tongue of Amiri Baraka, “slavery lasted over 260 years, black people have only been freed for over 150 years.” we still have a lot of evolving and learning to do.
this “they” in which Jaleelshkr and Linda619 speak of is America’s oppressors. Only now the slave masters don’t own cotton fields they own the media. they don’t have to control our bodies anymore making us work 16+ hours in the fields, they now control our minds since we, apparently, also watch the most television, as they inject every ounce of vitriol into our psyche’s that causes not only us to hate ourselves, but it paints us negatively to every other group of people who live or come to this country.
It’s up to us to start controlling our own minds then we wouldn’t have to worry about watching and reading bullshit articles like this. They’re only created for divide and conquer purposes. If we spent more time building ourselves and our communities like in Tulsa, OK, “they” would have no power over us.
“Maybe my understanding is a bit different because I was born in West Africa, but, despite our relative poverty, when we came here, my parents (both of them) made sure that my brothers and I did our homework, read our books, studied, and went to college. We set higher standards for ourselves, instead of allowing this mysterious “they” to dictate our future.”
Your post is refreshing, honest and needed!
I, too, know several African men who came to America and all three are succesful businessmen with families, property, and own their own businesses. I can remember back when two were in school!
Please share with us your opinion on why is it that a person like you and your family, and those that I know do very well, when so many who were born here with all the opportunities did not (and many still don’t) take advantage of education and all other avenues for moving forward to live a productive life?
What makes the difference? I see where you wrote that you had both parents in your life who made sure you were doing what you needed to do. Fortunately, I also had parents/family who expected us to do well, and made sure we had what we needed.
Again, thank you for an honest post. That mysterious “they” will continue to enslave some folks to their grave.
what is it to be a real man, or real woman, i hate this term simply because we have to grow together and that’s not something we mention at all here, i have no reason to take a woman’s money, i don’t care for it, don’t want it or need it, what i need is love and honesty that will make any relationships survive, and sad to say that is a dying breed here between us as black people, we promote our stupid independence, when we should be interdependent, have we not learn anything from this debilitating error of behaviour, a strong family and strong community, should i say that if my partner don’t earn as much as me, then she’s not worth of me, what about her character, suppose she loves me for me, aint that good and i love her for her, i understand what your saying sister, but let me tell you this, not all brothers want money and sex, some of us want the same things you want and that is to be cherished and be respected, not treated like some sort of burden and also put down worse than dogs, i want you to happy, and the men’s role in the home can be undermined by a woman that claims to love him, same with a good woman role can be undermined too, by silly arguements over money and who has what, we need each other and to work together we much cherish all the times of peace and love and learn from the division that has brought us much pain in this time and beyond, what do we want our youth to see, this? i have seen so called brothers who are called players, who do they play with, women that sometimes are your so called sisters, women have to stand up too, i love when a women is dedicated to me, and i am to her, then everything follows up second, and also it works fine, all the best to you sister, and i am sure that you can see that i don’t look down on you, but i want the best for you always ok, have a great day, from a good brother to a good sister, peace
Thank you for your compliments. To answer your question, I think part of what drove my parents to keep us in line when we got here was the recognition that we had a lot more opportunities here than we had back in Nigeria, and they were going to make sure that we a) realized that and b) didn’t throw these opportunities away.
To bring it back to the topic of this article, it wasn’t enough for my brothers and me to just complete high school. Nothing less than a college degree would do. I went to Syracuse (before Dr. Boyce got there), and my brothers went to Temple and Penn State. Two of us went on to obtain master’s degrees. Education maximized our opportunities to make well over $30,000.
We were taught to set our standards really high. My husband fits all the criteria mentioned in the “study” and I’m not ashamed to say it. He has beautiful internal qualities, too. My two brothers are 29 and 31, single, and I know that they have high standards for their prospective wives too.
In short, I feel that our upbringing shaped us to maintain high expectations and not allow society or the powers-that-be to keep us down. I know my perspective is a bit different being foreign-born, but I don’t think it should be so far-fetched.
Thank you again for your compliments and understanding.
Peace, JBM
I understand and respect your points, and certainly do not want to quantify whose struggles were worse. I agree, per your quote from Amiri Baraka, “…black people have only been freed for over 150 years.” It hasn’t been that long in the scope of history, but it is still a long time during which Blacks here have been afforded way more opportunity and choice than those of us in Africa.
The reason why I said in my original reply that Linda and Jaleel’s responses were cliché is this: regarding “they”, the oppressors, if you know that it is “their” mission to keep us down via messages in the media or otherwise, why then are WE still the ones watching the most television? I just don’t believe that the blame should like squarely with “them”. At what point do we accept some responsibility.
This is a wack example, but I know I am allergic to peanuts, they make me sick. Because I know the harm they cause me, I’m not going to keep eating them, and, if I do, and I get sick, it’s my fault, and no one else’s.
I believe that same rule should apply to all aspects of life.
I watch TV because I CHOOSE TO; no one, and certainly not “they”, are twisting my arm. But, if there’s a message or show that doesn’t agree with my mindset, I turn it off, period.
For example, last night I watched an interview with Isaiah Mustafa, that (fine) brotha from the Old Spice. He’s single so the interviewer asked him what kind of woman he was looking for, and he said he wanted a woman with “good hair”, and made disparaging reference to his “nappy hair”. Now that, to me, is ignorant, so from that moment on, I lost respect for him and he will no longer get my energy.
JBM, you made accurate suggestions that we should start controlling
our own minds, and build ourselves and our communities. In my opinion, it is as simple as not allowing negativity to infiltrate our mind and setting higher standards for ourselves than what “they” put forth.
In looking at the comments, I think we have all missed the point of this article. I wish these discussions didn’t turn into a battle of the sexes: Resentful Black Male vs. Bitter Black Female…
First of all, I am personally tired of all of these supposed “studies” and “surveys” on black relationships. I wonder what the interest is? So many are being done, yet with no solutions being presented. What is usually concluding is that “black women are undesirable” and “there aren’t any good black men.” It’s such an old and tired message that I would think we have gotten over by now…but I guess not. I wonder why scientists and sociologists and all these schools and corporations are so interested in us? Hmmm…sounds like another device used to keep us divided and looking at each other as the enemy, and consequently, hating ourselves.
We all know what’s up. There has been a crisis in the black community for a long time now, primarily stemming from man/woman relations. The fact of the matter is, the black community is no different from the rest of society when it comes to having unrealistic expectations of a having a partner. Like every other person, we too are influenced by media and our social surroundings. Why do our flaws get so much attention?
And last, are we still walking around with laundry lists of partner qualifications? I mean, really, c’mon!! Grow up! This isn’t a Tyler Perry/Terry McMillan/Zane book or movie. Let’s get real, people. That’s why our society is effed up today: bad priorities and a focus on material gains which are in no way sustainable or nourishing to the soul!!!
My two scents…
I don’t think the list for the ladies was in any way outrageous. There are crazy pie in the sky expectations and then there are reasonable expectations. I went looking for love with a list in my hand, but it was a reasonable list that wasn’t full of superficial things. It is reasonable to desire a mate that is educated, has a job, is heterosexual, not fat, be attracted to you AND depending on your age group for him not to have children already. It is not reasonable to expect your mate to look like a fashion model or porn star, not require any of your attention, and cater to your every sexual whim. None of those things have anything to do with long term compatibility or sustaining the relationship over time. My list included a man with integrity, education, ambition, most of the same recreational enjoyments as me, treats women with respect, average good looks, not obese, no addictions and within 10 years age range of me younger or older, and interested in marriage and a family. That’s it! All reasonable. No height, race, or other superficial requirements like him owning a jaguar having loads of cash or being a certain complexion. Matter of fact, I married a white guy. Not because I have anything against black men, but he was the one who stepped up to the plate and pursued me and he met my requirements.
Maybe she hasn’t been scorned but has seen the fallout of other relationships around her. We don’t know. But I will say, I agree that you teach people how to treat you, and that’s an important lesson for women and men. If they won’t treat you right, sneak out in the night.
The white man has his own litany of complaints about his woman. She’s too independent, too fat, disloyal, etc. That’s why they need to go oversees and get an Asian woman. It seems like so many men want a lot without giving anything in return, and that’s black white purple and blue. They want a woman who comes with her head bowed and is completely subservient no matter what you do or say to her. The women who readily put up with this nonsense are called “good” and the women who won’t are angry and have attitudes. Negro, please.
Agreed. You need to be open but not foolish.
Sadly when it comes to dating the black man and the black lady starts the date being superficial with each other, both competing for bragging rights as to who can outshine the other in who’s life is sooo wonderful. Rather than trying to have a good time each becomes obsessed with lies and stature for no other reason than to say to the other , in the words of Rev. Jesse,” I am somebody so let me tell you whom. The conquering of a one night stand most times is the objective of the male date and for the female it becomes a list of attributes the man must past. True the lady may be more educated and financially ok, yet lack common sense on many an issue and both miss out on the excitement of just getting to know a little about each other and just having some fun….
Lack of commitment is an American problem. It’s not a ‘man problem.’ A lot of ‘commitments’ are based on pretexts. This is the reason that they don’t last and the American divorce rate is so high. Until we begin to look at this as a cultural problem and not just a racial one, we won’t begin to understand it. Without understanding, we cannot fix it.
Thank You!! Finally someone who gets it! Men are visual and unfortunately they think with the wrong head. I was tired of reading through all of the posts. The “ideal” woman can be sitting right in front of your face, but because she is not what “his boys/family/friends” consider attractive – even though you think otherwise – he will not have the “balls” to come talk to her. Oh, well, women like me are just are going to have to go about her business and then maybe one day men will get it that just because it looks good, it may not be good for you – NOT SAYING I AM UGLY, but because I don’t fit the standard “Beyonce/Halle Berry” the others you mentioned, I don’t get a second look and that is unfortunate.
The number one indicator of irresponsibility is “finger pointing”. Black women blaming black men; black men blaming black women – it’s childish! Remember, if you point a finger at somebody else, three of them are pointing back at you (that was a paraphrase). These black women who blame black men, In general, are inadvertently blaming black women. last I saw, we were still the ones raising most of them. We’re not going to take ANY responsibility for that? Not ANY? Men in general, as well as black men, are VERY superficial and disingenous when it comes to women. I and others have noticed men say they want warn hearted, intelligent and supportive women, but if there’s a choice between a warm hearted woman who looks like a young Oprah and an emotionally disturbed Jennifer Lopez, Not too many people would be surprises if the brother went straight for “crazy” JayLo. It happens all the time. So we all have our issues. Yet we revel in complaining about the other side. If you can’t find a partner, or had difficulty with the ones you had, how can it all be on them? There must be something you need to address if this keeps happening to you. If nothing else, you need to take responsibility for the fact that you picked that person (or continue to pick such persons).
This is true for both men and women. Everyone is responsible for his or her own life, no matter how miserable it is. The same goes for the people you choose to get with. After all, YOU chose to get with them. Seriously, all blame aside, when you take responsibility for your choices in life, you can then learn from your mistakes so that you won’t keep making them. Bitter people see the world through bitter eyes. Just think of all the baggage you take to the next relationship with all that going on. If every man and woman operated off of their own sense of integrity, there wouldn’t be a need for a list. And generalities won’t do! There’s nothing wrong withall black women or all black men,(we wouldn’t allow a white person say that about us) except for the fact that a lot of us have some growing up to do.
The author is right where is the moral content of the individual, Personaly, Character!
You all spent so much time internet arguing I think most of you missed the fact that the criteria used to determine worth is ridiculous. If the roles were reversed and the same criteria were used to quantify Black women the breakdown would probably turn out the same. Most Black women are obese according to the judgement of this Euro-centric society. How many have no children? How many are 100% completely heterosexual? Etc. etc. This is just another in the long list of Willie Lynch ploys to further drive us apart from each other. Ask yourself, “Why is so much time spent on the ills of Black love by the White media?” The same reason they constantly talk about how many brothers aren’t in college or don’t work in Fortune 500 companies. First there are more women to men period. Secondly, it’s easier for a Black women to get an office job than a Black man. Esquire did a study on this in the 90′s, it’s the same reason there were more women in “massa’s” house than men, Whites get nervous when our numbers reach a level that makes them uncomfortable.As one white Executive put it, ” They already intimidate us physically, if they were to also intimidate us intellectually would be devastating”. In this recession Black men have suffered worse than anyone. Our unemployment numbers aren’t even close to anyone else except maybe Hispanic males. I’ve always doubted these fake-ass studies for just a few things that easily come to mind if you question what you hear and read. The majority of the sports and entertainment millionaires in our race are men. Look at Forbes list of the top 20 hip-hop millionaires the only woman on the list is Nicki Minaj. The entire L.A. Sparks team probably make less than Kobe.
Next time do a little research and think before you start letting negative thoughts on your own race creep into your mind from a “study” whose purpose was designed to drive us apart anyway.
YOU ALL NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! IT ALL STARTS IN THE HOME!!!! RAISE YOUR BALCK SONS WITH GOOD FAMILY VALUES. if you know that is. AND WE WILL NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM..yeah,, it’s that simple.
YOU ALL NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! IT ALL STARTS IN THE HOME!!!! RAISE YOUR BALCK SONS WITH GOOD FAMILY VALUES. if you know that is. AND WE WILL NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM..yeah,, it’s that simple.
Why you shut the fuck up and stop abandoning your sons the woman does not have to do you job moolie
Whatever! Since ALL American African women DO NOT fit yourdescription and I’m certain that ALL American African men DO NOT feel as YOU do, I’ll simply say, “WHATEVER!” Yes, we as a people have plenty of problems, but running each other down or running to other ethnic groups aren’t the answer. Love, date, marry whomever you chose, but for heavens sakes – STOP – the damn blame gaming! As for see the so called “brother” with some hat and sexy white woman and getting mad, how do you suggest that WE feel when we see you with those typical scruffy looking ones?! I no longer care who the heck you run off to because the fact of the matter is that you take your head wherever you go and if your head (thinking) is screwed up – Black men, Black women – PEOPLE – it will only be a matter of time before you’re on the prowl again with more excuses about why your relationships continue to FAIL! Get yourselves together Black folks and STOP this self hating!
what the ha-yell has the nerve to post this article and have a Afro romance ad promoting interracial dating…Look, white folks have successfully divided and conquered Black folks…. black woman also need to keep your legs closed,you have all the power if you do so, but you fall for the okie doke all the time cause your head game isn’t right….you all live in this Cinderella world that is only in your minds,you miss the actual war we are in culturally and black men are not you enemy.
Not sure why the author didn’t just reverse the list:
1) She is heterosexual
2) Is interested in black men
3) Has a high school diploma
4) Earns over $30,000 per year
5) Is not obese
6) Does not have kids with another man
That would make it 3 to 3. The only problem with that is those good men and women usually end up with a people who are not right for them. Good man ends up with POS woman. POS man ends up with good woman.
Men and women continue to take their damaged selves into relationships and expecting the next relationship to be different (insanity). Heal thyself.
I agree with the list thing, but here is what is missing from your article: MANY black men are simply stuck on weakness. If they cannot have exactly what they want, when they want it, they lie, cheat,creep, pit women against one another and then sleep like babies (in someone else’s bed) at night. No, I don;t think all black men are dogs and no I don’t buy that 3 for every 100 black women crap either. Honesty is at the root of all of this, on both sides. On a very regular basis, I get FB messages from men (mostly black men), who are married, have a girlfriend or baby mama (I count that as a girlfriend when they bother to mention that) and still hit on me. Of course, I delete. A man that is never satisfied with what he has, but doesn’t want to let go of it either is the most selfish type of man there is. Trying to convince me that you ‘kinda are’ and ‘kinda not’ in a relationship is dumb and an insult to me. Stuck on weakness. Many men don’t stop to realize that their ‘dream woman’ probably wouldn’t shake a stick their way. You need to be able to bring to the table exactly what you expect her to bring. You want a ‘Halle with Oprah’s $,’ but you yourself are Flavor Flav with an EBT card. Most women are not dealing with a weak man. You need to bring more than a large penis to the table. Period.
HUH?! Spoken like a true becky-lover. Blaming ALL black women. Like I said earlier, stuck on weakness.
Looks like you fell for the okay-doke. The best way to tear down the black race is to attack the backbone of that race, the women. You have bought into it whole-heartedly. You attack your own women and blame them for your weaknesses and run to becky and run that game to her and have her thinking all black women are these selfish, hateful creatures that are unworthy of your pitiful admiration. YOU are what’s wrong with the black race. If you enjoy becky, than do so, but not at the cost of dogging out ALL black women. You are a sad, weak, uneducated example of the slave who doesn’t think he’s a slave cause he’s sleeping with the massah’s wife. I’ll leave you to it Toby.
Well, it all goes to show that Marriage is nothing but a Glorified form of Slavory. Times are not like they use to be. People are most likely not get married these days. Why should they. It’s like hollywood now; marriages last lest than a few years (6). Why go throught the hassle. Stop making lawyers rich. Live with the person, don’t work out just leave and your money will stay in your pocket unless kids are involved.
Someone has some issue that she needs to work out before she get’s involved in a relationship with any man.
One question… Who is to say that these 100 women are good? Some are gay, some are addicts, some are incarcerated too! Get outta here!!
Amen!!!!
we arent chasing anyone! you are wrong
Just based upon the mentality surrounding the article itself and the men who ARE actually just like this that I have met and talk to through passing, etc…This is the reason why I’m single and my heart is beating at a rhythm that I can dance to. Smh. M.
Actually, YOU missed the point! The sex was used the exaggerate the questions posed to the opposite sex ie. not obese? no kids? Let’s not be naive and act like sex is not a factor to the average American nor that men don’t think about sex more then women…this is biologically/psychologically true! The point is those 2 questions single out a large group of men, especially when a huge part of the black population (men/women) are considered obese. And no kids? How old are the men being surveyed?, and these 100 women don’t like kids? Hell, do they have kids themselves? Let’s not be so literal, and see the underlining part. Are you under 130lbs???
I happen to be
married inter-racially; a relationship I am very happy to be in yet I
do KNOW there are good black men out there for our sisters. I grew up in a
Seventh-day Adventist church of Haitian
descent where 60% of the young ladies I grew up with from ages 23-35 are
married to black men with qualities that far exceed
that mediocre list mentioned above, with all due respect.
As an SDA we are
expected to get a higher education and get married, that is an expectation for
any SDA all over the world no matter the nationality and as Haitians we are
expected to get married and attain a college degree as well. These two go
hand in hand
For me as I am sure for
these young friends I grew up with l did not have a crazy list that they lived
by, just normal expectation from the way we were raised. Go to college, return
with a degree and bring back home the person you fell in love with and get
married.
The friends I am
referring to 16 out of 25 are married, those 16 including their mates never had
children before marriage, never went to jail, have a bachelors or higher, and
make well over 30 grand. Out of the 9 only one has been married, two have had
children out of wedlock and the others simply are not involved in crazy situations/relationships.
Of these 25 young ladies including the men they are married to only 4 grew up
in a single parent home 3 young ladies and 1 man.
I would have to assume
that these statistics comes from a group of people who are not diverse when refereeing
to black people (people of African descent). The researchers should tap into
the Caribbean, African, and South American, community before they add up these simple
numbers. I must also mention that from observation I know many who fall into
that list on the positive and “negative” side despite that who are married in
great numbers found in all black nationalities.
I understand that the researchers’
targeted people who they felt would fit those standards for black men and women,
but if that is what they want to use to determine what our outcomes are finding
a mate then WE need to evaluate what their true purpose is when publishing such
information. I believe they want us to accept that this is the reality for
black people in general that finding a suitable spouse is impossible. And if WE
the people do not stop to ask questions we will not only believe this nonsense
but live by it and expect it from generation to generation.
When these researchers
finally conduct a positive survey, which includes all people of all African
descent then I may consider their findings. Though I am sure that will never
happen, nor do I believe it is our people who are behind these negative surveys.
Let us not forget you never hear of researches like this being done for
Caucasians, Asians, Hispanics, or of others for their women and men, they why
us because it is their goal to keep us believing that nothing positive can exist
for one another.
I try to ignore these
negative researches but they keep coming so I had to address this one. What
many black owned internet bloggers need to do is ignore this mess and keep it
moving if not then we should conduct out own research.
This article is pure unadulterated bullshit. Mathmatical illiteracy — ever heard of “sampling error”? Well, this is sampling fiction. Not worthin of a response except to say again that it is 100% bullshit and any black women who believes even part of this is an idiot and should see a psychiatrist.
As another black male, I understand your comments. I also notice a lot of bad things by other men towards women. I realized a long time ago that in this country, most of us as a people are incompatible or immature as adults. Old traditions have recently become more ignored so we have drifted apart with a lot of self-anger. I have no attraction for any barbie type women, but if she is from another country like Ghana, Tanzania, Vietnam, or Mexico I may have more of an attraction. I know visual appearance is essential, but I find myself knowing world traveled and educated women are a better match for me. There are some African American women I have found extremely attractive too, but 9 times out of 10 they are already married. Very rare these days to find a single and available good woman here. We all should travel outside of our little cities and towns to experience other places for more than a few days.
have you met every black woman in the world and compared them to your loving and sweet white women with real hair?? If you did I would be surprised if they were all so fantastic because of the traits you identify and put down to their whiteness! I have met quite a few vindictive ones in my time, some sweet as you point out and the same with black women so it is not a race specific. Tell me, do their families embrace you with no awkwardness? Would they secretly prefer a white husband/boyfriend for their daughter/niece etc? Are your parents white for you to be so dismissive of your own race? following your line of thought are all white men also better than you as if we follow your logic as a black man you are probably just a loud mouthed, gansta of a man, with children all over town?? Gosh you are a fool, wanting to be accepted where you are hated and only too grateful for the crumbs a white woman offer! I think you will find if you were to go down your white woman’s ”sweet light up a room family tree” you will find her forefathers would be turning in their graves at the thought of you being with her. You are a mental slave with issues that will not be resolved in this lifetime. If you want to date a white woman do so without hating on anyone in the process, quite honestly we as black women do not care anymore. I love men period, colour is not an obstacle but when I do date out of my race I do not tell white men how much better they are than black men because that is complete rubbish you get good and bad in both groups, I could claim you are all criminals and profess how grateful I am to be with a white saviour like you do but I would rather die, as I am proud of who I am and see my relations as based on love not inferiority. I would also add that all the white men have dated are interested in our history and take time to learn about the black men in my life from friends, brothers, father, uncles and do not put them down to feel good about themselves like you and your white women do, what else could you do with your time! Also contrary to your stupid advice I did not have to change my character to meet a white man as if I am an excuse of a person in fact I was not looking to meet a white man as a criteria I was looking to meet people I get on with who happen to be black, white, yellow but you look for colour first, gosh you really are a fool. I have also dated some fanatstic black men and again race is not an issue as we are one, we understand what obstacles we face and how we are perceived in life but if you must know I have not dated a black man and discussed race at length as it is not an issue not the issue that white people want to turn it into and fools like you buy into it and waste time hating. The black men I date, unlike you are not of the inferior racist black man type that you are – these are black men without weak minds like yours.We will leave you to your white women you both need someone to look down on because you both feel inferior, your love should not be based on how much better you both think you are against other “fictional black people” – there are enough normal men who do not justify their craving for anything white no matter how fat, thin or ugly and by the way if you did not know they happen to be the biggest racists and they do love you putting down black women so keep lying to yourself, you really need help! And you forgot to add how well white women wrinkle most look 50 at 20 years old, that is so hot!
this was for the fool called mister black man or something I was trying to respond to his stupidity
Do any of the woman ever want a man who’s God fearing? That should be top on the list for Men and Women…
Amen and as a woman I see other women that do not know how to be a lady put some clothes on and where something that is pleasing to God, quit running around here begging for attention. Men don’t respect that. He that finds a Wife finds a good thing, NOT she that finds a Husband.
If you can love yourself first other problems will disappear.
As a black woman, I agree with a lot of commentary in this post.
However, the anecdotal list of “black women with whom to have sex” is clearly not analogous to the list of “eligible black men.” Though both consist of personal preferences, there isn’t a single point of subjectivity in the latter (all preferences listed are simple matters of fact), which can be starkly contrasted with the former (e.g. “She must be drop dead gorgeous”).
I understand the point and premise of this article, but it’s unnecessary to stretch comparisons to further said point.
Unfortunately, we all have lists that highlight the superficial and sometimes insignificant…but your post broaches the real topic that should be on everyone’s mind when searching for a partner: compromise.
Typical black man, I didn’t have to out do a white woman to get my white husband, and while my hair is real…that is not an issue with white men, white men did not have any standards of beauty to buy into unlike black men, which is why dating out is a wonderful option for black women who want to be loved, protected and respected…things that seem so far out of reach with a black man.
Understand this, you are NOT the black woman’s only option…the problem is too many black men think they are and also think their shit don’t stink…which makes going in the other direction the way to go…
I agree …the list about black women was superficial and didnt measure with the list about black men which frankly most NON black men have no problem passing. The latter list is about control and sex…wth?
how many are 100% completely heterosexual???
please bury yourself
How did this discussion go from relationships to sex?
I was a die-hard supporter of black men, but they have worn me out. I am so tired of the generalizations made about black women. We are too angry and bitter. We are too dark or too light, too big or too skinny, too much booty, not enough…and the criticisms go on and on. Here is a concept for you black men who are sick of black women, get you a white woman and just shut the hell up. Black women don’t need to hear another excuse for why you don’t want them, get who you want and keep it to yourself.
On the other hand, black women should really only marry outside of their race since the majority (not all) of black men are either gay, convicted felons, unemployed or employed, but paying child support or alimony and cannot afford a relationship (not asking him to be rich, but pick up the tab sometimes). Thinks FICO is a name for a dog and his credit is so bad he does not qualify for food stamps. OR, has no drivers license, but wants to drive your car, has no bus pass, has baby mama drama or ex-wife life, still living with his mama or his baby mama, or in a half-way house…I could go on. For these and many other reasons, black women should not continue looking to date/marry black men. Just like black men are tired of us, we are tired of them. I personally don’t care if you get a white women, that in and of itself is poetic justice at its finest.
But b!tch can you cook?
But b!tch can you cook?
But b!@tch can you cook?
But b!@tch can you cook?
But b!tch can you cook!
But b!tch can you cook!
You ignornant person, why must you resort to name calling. Why is it people like you always want to call a woman a bitch. Of course she can cook. Didn’t you read what she wrote? Her comments not only cooked your character personally, but also smoked your ass…LOL. You must be feeling some type of way, FIDO, and yeah, I SAID IT TO!
I agree with you. I started dating white men exclusively 6 years ago because I too am sick of black men. I am now in a committed relationship and will never go back regardless of how things turn out. And to YEAHISAIDIT, I CAN COOK!
I meet all 8 of your criteria and then some and so do many of my sisters, but no matter who we are, what we do or what we have, men like you won’t ever think we are good enough and you know what, I ain’t mad at cha because it is your loss. However, White, Asian and Hispanic men see the value in women like us and they do pay attention. They do see that we not only outshine your white girls, but we are worth far more than rubies.
These men of other cultures appreciate us and don’t mind a natural beauty. They don’t mind you rocking a fro, dreads, or twists, but the black man wants the white girl with long straight hair, fake boobs, tons of makeup and collagen injections. White men and men of other races can handle a wise, articulate, opinionated, black queen without being intimidated. They know how to take c are of a woman, nurture her spirit, mind and body. So go ahead and keep getting the white girls, it leaves more white men available for us.
I know I am really late replying to this but i just came across this that being said I am really surprised at the comments written here. im upset at the fact that whenever a black women expresses her opnion about something particularly a black man she is “an angry black woman” thats unfair. a black man can offer all sorts of opinions and he doesnt have a label. the person who made the list of what men are/or may look for in a woman only talks about sex….dont you think thats a problem? a black woman cannot say that she’s looking for a successful man, a working man, educated blah blah without her being a golddigger yet men (not all men) talk about sex. the fact is the mentality now a days is nothing like back in the day. people now only see sex and money, people’s attitude now is a selfish one only out to get what they can not trying to help or support each other just take take take,its hard to find someone (men and women) who has interests other than smoking drinking clubbing and throwing up money. again that is not everybody but if you’re honest you will agree. its hard to find a MATE no matter what then when you add things like low self esteem, physical and mental abuse, lying, cheating, no trust, and yes being in a or several bad relationships people tend to have a low opinion on finding someone. you cannot blame a woman for staying in a relationship with a man (waiting2exhale100) there maybe other factors that you are not aware of plus its none of your damn business vice versa. if a woman or man feels that they need to stay in a relationship deal with the none sense in hopes that it will get better or the spouse will get their shit together is something they decide to do when they get to the point or realization that what they are doing is not helping the situation and/or things will not get better than they have to remove themselves from that situation in their own time with the help of the lord not other people telling them how stupid thay are for putting up with it. there are women who mistreat good men and im mad at that because those men also start feeling as if there are no good women and tends to from that point on treat other women with less respect. the point is rleationships are hard there is no right or wrong but to continue to blame other people will not make things better. i am a black woman i too have been burned many of times i am to blame for somethings but its unfair to say that i cannot find anyone else someone made a comment as to going outside your box/comfort zone. i think they may have been saying dating other races which is fine but i say date differenly. dont just stick to one type try to meet people outside of what you are custom to also meet people from other towns or states venture out and actually meet people not just the same type you have been dealing with. I have to say as well the comments about women staying natural and dressing “appropriately” (staceyadamssutton)etc.. is a crock of shit. if a woman dresses in a revealing way or more sexy than others doesnt necessarily mean she trying to hard to attract attention could it be that she feels good about her body and doesnt mind showing it off or it could stem from prior issues with men and low self esteem you never know but dont judge. God is aware of who he created again WHO HE CREATED not you, so the relationship that female has with god is on their own time they will work it out (god and that person) if you feel comfortable being covered up than thats your business boo boo men look at both fully dresses and revealing. A woman that dresses revealing does not mean shes a hoe or slut. that’s like saying that nudist are perverts for not wearing clothes thats a choice they made and are comfortable with so hey more power to them (god did create man and woman naked). also saying women need to stop wearing weaves and fake nails eye lashes etc… (MrBlackMan) is unfair because its their bodies they can dress it up how they damn well please. its not you if its not your style then ok find one that suits you. again there are men that prefer natural and men that doesnt care particularly about it. if you find a mate that has a low opinion about relationships but you are interested in that person instead of running away saying that person is crazy how about trying to show them that they dont have to continue feeling that way that there are good people out there. dont continue the cycle and prove how they alread feel then turn around and talk about how much attitue a black man or woman has how much of a dog or golddigger they are. my last point is that it is already hard being black we already have issues within black communitites such as light skinned/ dark skinned, upper class/lower class (ghetto and none ghetto), large frame and skinny frame eduacated and none educated dang why make it more difficult then what it is. there is a truth about preferring light skinned non ghetto skinny eduacated people but at the same time there are a lot of dark skinned ghetto large framed uneducated people that are married and happy. so there is someone out there for everyone its just hard to find but non impossible. these narrow minded one way thinking opinionated people need to stop it! its not cute and down right ignorant.
Marying outside your race does not solve the problem, it only makes it worst! First of all, you are going to be dealing with some hateful people in the man’s family, even if he is cool and loving himself! He may have hateful people that are borderline rascist in his family! Secondly, you definitely will be dealing with the confusion of the child! Mixed children, in some cases, I have witnessed a few, will spend most of their lives trying to identify WHO AM I. They always want to be accepted. Some have gone as far as saying “I am not black, I am muticultural .” What these people do not realize, AMERICA FORCES YOU TO CHOOSE ON HOW YOU LOOK! If you look African American, believe me , when a police sees you, he will react , most of the time, accordingly. Everyone should remember, the grass is not always greener on the other side!
Everyone has their own issues. Being black in America in
itself is an issue. Instead of whining about each other’s shortcomings we
should try to fix the problem. Instead of saying there are no good black men or
no good black women out there, how about we take a look at the causative factors
and circumstances that surround such a foolish opinion. Typically the same issues
that make black men “not a good man” is the same issues that make a black woman
“not a good woman”. Upbringing, past
experiences, abuse, just to name a few. We as a people are too quick to tear
each other down. I’m a black woman and I love MEN black men, white men don’t
matter. Black women place limits on their options and in-turn find themselves
frustrated and saying “there ain’t no good black men”. Because a man had a baby
with someone else he’s not a good man. I think not, the more important issue is,
is he a father to his child/ren. All in all black men and women need to work
together and not against each other. “a
house divided against itself will not stand”. Peace
After scanning through some of the comments on this article I think the vast majority of us are focusing on the wrong thing. The question is not about whether there should be a list but whether or not the statistic mentioned in the article is true?! Because here’s the thing, none of those things on the list are unreasonable expectations. The first two items are so obvious they wouldn’t even make my list; and yes, I have one. Its stupid to think that a person is going to try to find a life partner without any sort of standard or idea of what they’re looking for.
But back to the list. Items 3 and 4 are also VERY minimal! With a high school diploma a man can get a job at a Taco Bell, work his way up to manager, and get that 30g a year. That works out to $2,500 per month which is not balling but which is sufficient to support yourself if you manage your money properly.
Let’s skip to #6: that salary will go A LOT further if its not being hacked up by multiple child support payments. Taking on the responsibility of raising someone else’s child and having to collaborate with this third person in your relationship is not easy. It doesn’t mean that a person with a child can’t be a fabulous life partner but they will come with challenges that aren’t present for childless singles.
Now back to #5: There is a big difference between being overweight and being obese. A man doesn’t have to have a six pack but he also shouldn’t look like he’s about to deliver a twelve pound baby! The shape that you’re in is not just about physical attraction but it also says a great deal about how much you care about yourself and your health. I think that’s kinda important.
And on a parting note, you’ll notice they didn’t even go there about the whole not ever being arrested thing. I wonder just how low 3 would go if you added that to the equation?!
It is time for black women to stop limiting themselves to one race. Date any decent man, our men date (any) woman.
The problem is you don’t date hot sexy white women, you date trash that the white man does not want. Stop blaming black women for your dislike of them. Black men have been brainwashed by the media and their own race to seek the light skin, straight hair girls so don’t blame us it’s you and what you have been taught.
Rasil4u you well stated. You pointed out Exactly what I planned to touch on… Who is this idiot that wrote this article?…Oh the “baby daddy” at 18…
A short list for consideration by both genders… It’s not as simple as “Black and White”
1) FAITH:be real here. Would you really consider a man who’s
’faith’ allows him to have four wives or who would rob and harm his fellow man but “Doesn’t eat the swine” or a woman who doesn’t believe in anything greater than herself?
2) VALUES: There has to be real common ground here…delusion lead to disillusionment! (Hint: see FAITH)
3) FRIENDSHIP: What do or would you do when you have nothing to do? This is the ‘friend test’…If you aren’t friends you shouldn’t be anything else…Remember the childhood joy of seeing or being with a best friend,no agenda!! Some of the best times of your life right?
4) SEX: Why do we pay so much for so little…health risks,reputation,unplanned parenthood,life. Yes,your very life for what, really.If you are superman or superwoman you might have sex 2% of the week (3.4 hours)…(Liars can take a bow now). Sex is a wondrous thing in the proper context.Even animals have sex,humans make love. It’s more than sex.(see1-3).
5) Are you advertising what you are selling or offering? If the public can see your assets than what is there for the person that you say that you seek? Doesn’t your tattoo (brand) say “moooooooo!” Rare is a sight sadder than a ‘hoochie’ over 25 years old.The fight is over and they never heard the bell.
Black man,married to a Black woman…Dated 5 years,married 32 years,looking forward to a 24 hour a day date for the rest of our lives.
If you want to have a healthy relationship with anyone
you have to have some basic qualities. Love for yourself
and show a kind and loving nature to all people you encounter
Respect yoursellf and others in thought word and deed. Be kind, considerate, and willing to share. Be suportive and always try to have a positive outlook and above all be honest with yourself and the people you meet. Finally realize that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. Learn from your mistakes and forgive those who have hurt you, YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO CONSIDER BEING ANY OTHER WAY. Peace and Love Yall
I totally agree. I actually believe for every black man with a baby’s mama, there’s a black woman with 2-3 different baby daddys. I love my black woman now, but sometimes they can be a little outragious